Stop getting in your own way before it's too late

Lessons Learnt

• The sad reality of life is that very few people at work (including your bosses) are authentic and care about your career, your goals or your development. It's not right or wrong, it's just a fact of life.
• If you've had good bosses throughout your career, you've been lucky. But you've also been unlucky as the skills you need to champion yourself is most likely not there.
• You need to fix this now. Stop waiting for someone to push you into the spotlight, like a child waiting for a parent to correct a wrong. You're an adult now. Fix it yourself and fix it before it's too late and you become bitter and think the world is so unfair. 
• Life Superman, develop your alter ego. This isn't hard. Your alter ego is the actual you without the self imposed constraints based on incorrect assumptions. Develop a backstory to the alter ego, believe in it and then have something meaningful that helps you trigger the alter ego (don't put on a cape to trigger this alter ego, that'll just be strange).

The Story - by Phil W

Between Superman and Clark Kent (or Batman and Bruce Wayne or any superhero combination of your choice), who is the super hero and who is the alter ego? Have you ever thought about this question? It turns out, in the case of Superman, Clark Kent is the alter ego. Superman is his natural state but in order to fit in with the world's expectations of him, he chooses this geeky character that just flies under the radar (pun intended) and blends into the background. His true self comes out when a disaster is about to strike and he rips off this geeky alter ego and saves the world..... and usually the girl as well. 

This was the question posed in a Tony Robins Podcast I listened to recently, called "Amplify Your Strengths", with Todd Herman, who is a mental coach to elite athletes to help them reach their optimal performance. In the Podcast, Todd talks about how many of the athletes he coaches, hit a mental limit through incorrectly identifying which is their true self and which is their alter ego. In a sense, they sabotage themselves on the field.

The question really caught my attention and the more I listened, the more the concept made sense to me. As I replayed the major events in my career which generated the most amount of regret (you know the ones that you can't stop replaying in your mind and wished that you had said something different or done something different), I realised that I was the one who imposed stupid rules on myself that made me tongue tied or caused my brain to stop thinking. Who said that my views aren't important? Who said that as the most junior person in the room, I can't have good ideas? Who said that I was not allowed to disagree just because the point came from somebody more senior than me? 

Fuck me!!! Nobody ever said I couldn't do those things. Then I thought about the rules I had placed on myself and in life in general. Who said I couldn't say hello to that pretty girl? Who said that I couldn't tell the charity hustler who just wouldn't leave me alone to get lost? Who said that I couldn't send the food back to the kitchen when it was clearly undercooked.  Double Fuck me!! I had built all these rules in my head which placed all these limitations on me and my behaviours. These rules were built on what I thought the world expected of me. When in fact, the world didn't expect any of those things. 

The more I replayed my career, the more I came to the realisation that my progression to where I am was due to the good graces of the rare handful of bosses I had (introverts and extroverts) who took the time to see what I had to offer and took the risk to give me the opportunities to prove myself. They spent the time to help me see my potential and put me in situations that was hard enough for me to realise my potential but safe enough such that failure wouldn't destroy me. But bosses like these are few and far between. And, I didn't plan to work for them. It was just by dumb luck I landed in their teams. Had I not had these bosses, my career trajectory would've been very different.  The scary fact is, in reality, most people in the office couldn't give a shit about your career goals or you. Yup, unless you're lucky, even your direct boss couldn't give a shit.

Let's face it, you actually knew this fact all along. But this fact is so far removed from what you were taught in schools that you repress it and don't want to believe it. There's no right or wrong about it, it's just a fact. Forget what the hot HR lady says (or guy), forget what the company values say, it's all bullshit. The only person who can give you the greatest chance of getting to your goals is you! If by dumb luck you end up with an authentic boss then it gives you a boost. But most likely that is not going to happen at every turn. 

And that is exactly the position I'm in today. Through a series of company restructures, the support base I had built, the good bosses who I knew cared about me and I trusted, were either made redundant or no longer in positions of great power. That's the downside of being lucky and having good bosses by accident. The skills I should've developed to help me break my self imposed rules were not there. I felt lost and directionless, wondering what had happened and longing for the old days.  The Podcast revealed the uncomfortable truth that I have always known but have repressed as best as I could. I have to get comfortable with being uncomfortable and change my behaviours. I have to champion myself in order to stand out. In the cold light of this blog, my thinking and limitations are almost childish.... to expect someone else (like a parent) to validate my worth, to champion my career. It reminds me of the book I once read - "Who Moved My Cheese". I read it almost a decade ago as I was trying to figure out why some older members of the team behaved in stubborn childish ways..... and now I catch myself almost becoming bitter like them... shaking my fist at the world and asking why the world is so unfair. Ridiculous.

So, I am going to take the advice of Todd Herman in the Podcast. I am going to develop my alter ego. I am going to give it a name, and a background so that it is real and believable to myself. I am going to develop triggers that activate the "real" me, not constrained by my limiting beliefs. This is my first test & learn for this blog. To make sure I do it, I've even captured this action as an action item in my Trello board. I will share with you how this process goes and how well it works. 

How to know when to give-up

Lessons Learnt

This week has been a big “aha” moment for me. For all those Oprah fans you will get my drift. To sum it up, I learnt something that has been enlightening and put all the pieces together on a challenging time in my career.

To set the scene on this challenging time:

A new manager had been brought into the team with the promise of industry experience and being a real performer who delivers. They did however, not have the technical experience required for the role. Being a reforming people pleaser and wanting to make sure it was a smooth transition into the team, I went out of my way to upskill the new manager on the technical elements of the role. I admired their tenacity to take on the position in an area where they had no immediate experience but as we were told had industry experience.

It soon became apparent that they were not too interested in trying to upskill or take on board assistance from the team in learning the technical elements required for the role. Rather, it came across that their focus was on managing perception.  The number of emails that were sent to the team and the boss on a Friday or Sunday evening were an indicator of this “perception” piece. We were constantly reminded with a caveat “not to call rank” that they were the manager and we were their team.  We heard numerous times a day how they had previously led a large team and what they used to do.  The leader was also a master delegator. They accepted all work and requests from the boss without any consideration of the priority or the team’s capacity.  The situation was made even worse as they didn’t have the technical experience to understand the complexities of what was involved in the tasks they were agreeing to and how unrealistic the promised timeframes were.

If the boss mentioned something in passing, it became a priority, irrespective of how trivial the request was. The emphasis became less on the quality of deliverables and more on making them look great. The team became stressed, trying to manage our time, completing what were once irrelevant tasks, on top of our existing workloads, which we were being pushed to deliver in even shorter timeframes.  The nature of the work is not something I was comfortable to cut corners on so it meant working longer and longer hours. When I explained to the manager the time involved to get tasks done and why it took that amount of time, it fell on deaf ears. Instead I was told the work had to get done as the boss wanted it so there was no compromising.  

Their management style was not bringing out the best in the team or me personally. Previously everyone chipped in and got the work done with minimal stress. I reflected on the new manager’s style of leadership being very hierarchical and dictator like. In their previous roles this type of instructive leadership had obviously worked as they had glowing reviews. In our team, however, where the work required analytical problem solving and things were not so black and white, this type of leadership didn’t work well. Instead we felt like idiots who could not think when we were given step by step instructions who were far below the manager.

I found that the harder I worked, the more credit and the better the manager looked.  It got to the point where enough was enough. I realised I could no longer operate in this environment. My days and weekends were being consumed with work, I was constantly getting sick. I dreaded going to work and felt sick when I’d see messages pop up from the manager as I knew it would mean more work. It just wasn’t an environment where I could do my best work or contribute the best value. The persistence was not paying off.  

I am not one to give up easily, I like to stick things out and make the most of the cards I have been dealt. I could see the manager had lots of strengths that I could learn from but this was just not the role for them. Knowing my work ethic and what I am not prepared to compromise on, I could not see that things would get any better working in this environment. I didn’t want to let the team down but I had to do what was right for me. I personally could only see the situation getting worse and I would continue to work long hours and become unhappier. It was time to look for a new role.

What a positive decision this has been. I’m now working in a team where I fit in, feel safe, appreciated, energised, can do my best work and actually look forward to coming to work. Something very refreshing. Most importantly I am a lot healthier and happier.

So where is this aha moment you are probably thinking. Get to the point!

Over the weekend I started reading Susan Cains book “Quiet”. Within the first chapter Susan explores leadership styles. Susan explains extroverted leadership works well where teams are passive and respond well to explicit instructions. While a more consultative leadership approach is more effective with introverted team members who are by nature more proactive in their work ethic and think ahead for solutions as opposed to doing exactly what has been instructed. This was the aha moment for me. My previous manager’s style had obviously been effective with their prior passive team but was not working with our more introverted team who were used to being proactive. The cause and reason for the stress our team experienced was there in black and white. The leadership style did not suit the team being lead and it was as simple as that. There is no one leadership style, it needs to adapt to collation of individual behaviours and expectations within the team.

Persistence will not always pay off. It’s better to call it quits and move on to bigger and better things. Its ok to move on.

Key Lessons Learnt

• Don’t be a dog’s body from the onset. Set boundaries. Work hard in work hours but keep your weekends for you. You can’t give from an empty bucket so you need to make sure you take care of yourself.
• Different management styles work in different teams. One is not right or wrong. Getting the wrong leader for a team can have a big impact!
• Identify your manager’s style and work out how you will need to communicate and operate to ensure their objectives are met while maintaining your own happiness. As my bosses boss has said, you need to take the moral high ground. Work out how you can work best in the situation.
• If you are working in a stressful environment prioritise even more the things that bring you happiness. If you know there will be frustrations during the work day, make sure your after work hours are filled with things you look forward to.  It will relieve your stress and also mean you are more productive when you are at work.

Don't overlook opportunities for yourself

Lessons Learnt:

• Don't overlook opportunities to learn new things. Work will always be there but opportunities to learn something new come and go. Always prioritise seizing the opportunity.
• Look at the bigger picture and weigh up what matters more in the future. Will staying late at work for another 30mins outweigh what you might learnt from a guest speaker? Definitely not.
• If ever you feel you're sinking into self pity, remind yourself that you could be working in a sock factory (nothing against those working in sock factories) and you may find yourself being grateful for your current situation.

The Story - by Courtney C

We’ve all been there. A to do list a mile long, struggling to figure out where to start and what the key priorities are, just as the phone rings with another urgent request to be added to the list.  This was me at the start of the week. Safe to say feeling a little overwhelmed and de-motivated at the prospect of delivering the work committed to within the week. Just as I’d sussed out my plan of attack, got over realising I’d bitten off more than I could chew (something I am consciously trying to work on this year) and would need to put in some extra hours this week; a stakeholder popped over and invited me to attend an information session with Branden Spikes (add in link to info on Branden) in 20 minutes. I had no idea who this person was.  I had two options, politely decline or rearrange my meetings to attend the session. I chose the latter.

Upon reflection, it would have been the easier option to decline the offer and get stuck into tackling my to do list. I have done this in the past, chosen work over attending training opportunities and not wanting to let down the team. I thought if I spent time attending the training, that would delay getting the task at hand completed and let down the team.  This I have now learnt is a foolish mindset. For one, in order to be a valuable team member and contribute more strategically, I need to gain broader experiences and perspectives than what I already have. Plus In the grand scheme of things, a few hours or days of training will be far more valuable to the team and my own career development than getting a routine deliverable out the door. But I digress. Now being a reformed but still learning people pleaser, I thought it best to attend the session given my colleagues had gone out of their way to let me know about it.

And what an opportunity… The guest speaker for the session was Branden Spikes founder of cyber security business Spikes Security. Branden was the right hand man to  Elon Musk (CEO and CTO of SpaceX, co-founder and CEO of Tesla, co-founder of Zip2 and founder of x.com which merged with PayPal). I've always been inspired by Elon Musk and you'll know exactly what I mean when you watch hid TED talk.

Attending the half hour session, I learned invaluable insights on Branden’s candid reflection of his career and take on the tech industry. When asked about the culture in Silicon Valley, Branden recounted a quote Elon had once shared with him that really resonated with me... “you could be working in a sock factory but you’re working in a rocket factory”. This quote really put things into perspective for me. Sometimes we can get so caught up in the task at hand, consumed in feeling stressed by deadlines or overwhelmed with tasks that we forget to take stock of the bigger picture for ourselves. That bigger picture being remembering the broader purpose of the role within the team and organisation. More importantly, you need to constantly recall the bigger picture for yourself on a personal level. What is your ultimate goal? Getting promoted or completing a major project is not your ultimate goal. You have to got understand what is driving you to want to get promoted.

For me, it was also reminder to be grateful for the high calibre team I am working with, the opportunities I am exposed to on a daily basis and how fortunate I am to have a job where I constantly get to learn and be exposed to industry titans, which is rare indeed.  At the end of the session, I caught up with my colleague who also attended and we both commented on the insights we gained and how inspiring the session was. I felt re-energised. Isn’t it funny. My internal dialogue had me debating whether I should even attend the session as it would take half an hour out of my day. I hadn’t stopped to think about the benefits and how I could potentially be more efficient post attending the session. I could potentially have potentially traded this wonderful opportunity with the completion of mundane tasks, which would still be there the next day. With this new found perspective and feeling reinvigorated from the insights gained, I powered through that to do list like a woman on a mission. I was far more productive than I had anticipated for the day.

Recommended Reading

Dealing with the Office Jerk - Part 2

Ok, so we had the meeting. The Jerk showed up on time but instead of a checked shirt, he had on a white shirt with skinny jeans, and brown cowboy boots. And yes, his top button was undone with chest hair showing. 

Nevertheless, all the invitees showed up. Not a single person complained about the rudeness with which they were "summoned" (despite their refusal to accept the meeting invite - I can see the meeting remains tentative in their diaries). It was lucky that I took my boss' advice and stayed on the high road, and it was lucky that I hadn't responded straight away.

In the heat of the moment, I would've given him a piece of my mind via email (cc'ing all other invitees) and refused to attend. Had I done that, I may have been the only one that didn't turn up and give the Jerk a reason to call me a Jerk as well and ammunition to inform others that I'm not a team player. Interestingly, I had asked some work colleagues not involved with the scenario to review my first blog and tell me what they thought. Believe it or not, despite my protests in the blog, they overwhelmingly said that I was the one who came off as petty. The Jerk was always going to be a jerk but you'll be a bigger jerk for responding in kind. Isn't that ironic?

As it turns out, had I missed the meeting, I wouldn't have missed out on very much and despite my initial misgivings, the meeting was actually quite dull. No fireworks, no arguments. To his credit, the Jerk showed up on time (which isn't normal), kicked off the meeting acknowledging that it was so that he could get up to speed on what was happening with the two Projects, and wrapped it up by thanking everybody in attendance. It didn't stop him from insinuating that things didn't seem to have progressed that much without his presence but taking the high road, I chose to ignore it.

Interestingly, not long after I posted my first blog, I received the latest email from "Barking Up the Wrong Tree". It's a free weekly post by Eric Baker from UCLA, who collates scientific research on certain office topics, summarises them into a single email and sends it out to his subscribers. His latest email was titled "This is how to overcome bullies at work". 

You can read his blog in more detail by clicking on the link below. But I've summarised the 7 steps he recommends everyone takes and you'll notice those 7 steps aligns with the advice I received (and prevented me from turning into the jerk). In short, always take the high road - but make sure you stand your ground. Based on my experiences, I'll say Eric's advice is spot on.

1. Always verify your interpretation of an action before reacting. If you feel like the victim, you can bet the jerk probably also feels like the victim. (That one minute conversation with my boss probably saved me a lot of political capital).
2. Don't assume a white knight will come to your rescue. Unless the jerk's actions are serious (e.g. violent), nobody else will come to your aid. (This is in line with why none of the other invitees took action or expressed their displeasure).
3. Take time to think and if the jerk is in action then ask for time to think. This not only gives you time to steady your emotions, it also forces the jerk to reassess his actions. (Me not responding straightaway to the insult I felt most likely saved me and gave me time to consult my boss).
4. Don't offer explanation or argue. This gives the jerk ammunition to fight back, which is exactly what he/she wanted. (Not quite applicable to my scenario but I can see how this works if the jerkish action is playing out in front of you).
5. Take command and slow the pace down. Be the rational one which will highlight the Jerk's jerkish behaviours. (The calm email I sent stating that I will attend but only for a portion of time given it overlaps existing meeting speak to this).
6. Put the focus on actions and resolution. This blunts the jerk's attacks and forces him/her into a thinking state. Again, you become the more rational being. 
7. Worst case scenario - walk away. If you've tried all of the above and the jerkish attacks continue, get up, state that you will return after a set time when the jerk is more rational and walk away. In this way, you take charge of the situation, and everyone can see you're the rational one.

To read Eric's blog, click on the "Source" link below.

Recommended Reading

Dealing with the Office Jerk - Part 1

Key lesson learnt

• In office politics, it's better to be present and have a chance to influence the outcome than to be completely out of the loop. 
• The office jerk would most likely have thought about how to make you look like a jerk. I guess that's kind of what makes him/her a jerk.
• Don't fall into the trap and respond to a jerk straightaway. This commits you to a position and limits your range of options.
• Office politics can occur even in the smallest of events such as responding to a jerk's meeting invite. 

The Story - by Phil W

So here goes. With trepidation, excitement, and not knowing why anybody would be interested in my views, I launch into my first blog post. And of all the office events I could've chosen to blog about, I chose to share with you my experience this week in dealing with the office jerk. 

Everyone knows of someone  who is "the office jerk" (as a male, I can only describe the male attributes but there must surely be a corresponding female version as well). You know who I'm talking about. That person in the office who thinks his every thought must be aired, who deliberately makes a loud entrance into meeting rooms, who blatantly steals other people's ideas, and every sentence uttered is projected with an air of self importance and self promotion. 

To set the scene, let me describe my office jerk: John (his name has been changed to protect me). In a Financial Services corporate office environment, this middle aged, lean shaped man, prides himself in always wearing attire matching the description of a cowboy. Brightly coloured checked shirts with the top button deliberately undone (showing off what little greying chest hair he has) and tight fitting pants or jeans with brown coloured actual cowboy boots. In meetings, John would passionately put his points on the table, then with short sharp language, challenge other people's opposing points (e.g. "why the hell would we do that?"). Every question that John raised comes from a position of how he could use the information to make himself stand-out . John would've been a "brilliant jerk" if his tactics weren't so obvious. Before big meetings with CEOs, John would talk about how he'll challenge their decisions. Yet, when the CEO asks him whether he disagrees with a decision, John would just nod his head or raise some fluffy politician's answer. In one meeting not long ago, John had just joined the Steering Committee of Project A. As a group of senior Risk Executives, we were debating why Project A was doing much better than Project B. Out of the blue and with all seriousness, John proclaimed that Project A was succeeding because he had joined the Steering Committee. His presence was enough to challenge the Project towards success. I looked at the other Risk Executives in the room, and we all had the same facial expression. Was it disgust? No. Was it anger? No. It was the universal facial expression of shock! The jerk had managed to "shock and awe" us into silence. How do you respond to such a "jerkish" statement? 

This week, John decided to go one better. Having been away for a few weeks, John was out of the loop on the progress of Project A and Project B. His fill-in came to the same meetings but it was obvious John had not briefed him. Other than taking notes, this poor fill-in could do nothing more. After the first weekly meeting on Monday, John realised that he was out of the loop. He did his usual thing of asking questions that might help him to show others just how much detail he was across (e.g. he'd ask how about many defects remained but cared very little on how quickly the defects were being resolved ). As we've all caught onto this trick, others in the room pretended not to know the answer.

Realising that he wasn't going to get anything from the meeting and not willing to look into the 5 page SteerCo pack himself, John sends an invite out, titled "Joint risk team approach - rethink". Intentional or not, the title itself suggests that while he's been away, we had not been doing our jobs. The content of the invite was just as short. No salutations, no context on why he wanted the meeting, no thank you or sign-off. Just one line that says "To get an update on how Project A and Project B is going". Oh and the invite was for a meeting room on his floor and in his building (the organisation is spread across multiple buildings in the city). 

The more I read, the angrier I got. And then, I mentally blew up when I saw how the invite fitted into my schedule. It didn't!! John's invite came right over the top of existing meetings all of the invitees had. And I knew this wasn't a mistake. In our office, you can clearly see when people are free (and where they're located) when you send out meeting invites. He just couldn't be bothered checking whether we were busy or not. I read his invite as him "summoning" us to his office. What. The. Fuck!!! You want to get an update from me and use what I know to your advantage and you don't even have the goddamn courtesy to ask politely!!

I was so consumed by anger that I became unproductive. I wasn't present in any meeting. Each time I tried to focus on the task at hand, this single sentence invite would push its way into my mind and I'd feel angry again. Like water coming to the boil, I can feel the level of anger rising. Each time, I'd have to stop what I was doing, mentally push the anger away before continuing on with the task. 10 hours later as I headed home, my mind continues to focus on this insulting invite, and each time I think about it, I get angry. I went to bed thinking about it.

The next day, as I checked my emails, the jerk sends a reminder to respond to the invite. It was obvious that the other invitees had felt insulted too and refused to respond. This gave me some comfort that I was not being overly sensitive. In fact, I smiled a little thinking that the jerk was maybe sensing he had made a mistake. In reality, I doubt it though. Not caring about what others think or acknowledging mistakes is the jerk's trait.

I have a one on one with my boss and I thought to raise this with him. He is a very seasoned introvert but has managed to climb the corporate ladder without giving off the sense of self imposed stress that most very senior introverts have (mental note to interview him). I described the situation to my boss in detail; how I felt insulted, how I was proud that I refused to respond, and how my peers also refused. My boss sat back in his chair. Tilted his head up and thought about what I had just said. This was not the reaction I was expecting. As a fellow introvert, I thought he might congratulate me on my resolve and how in tune I was with my peers.

After about 5 seconds (it felt like minutes), he looked at me and said "Always take the high ground. It's better to suck up the insult but be present to influence the outcome than to be out of the loop completely". With that one sentence, I felt annoyed and disappointed. Annoyed because I thought he didn't seem to acknowledge how I was insulted. Disappointed because I knew he was right. On reflection, part of the reason why I was so angry was because I knew that I had to attend as much as I didn't want to... and I knew that the jerk knew this too! If anything, the jerk was probably seeing who he could catch out and inform the CEO of who was not being a team player. 

Seeing my mixed feelings and that I was processing his sentence, my boss then said "But you don't have to give him everything. Force him to compromise from the outset. He's come over the top of your meetings, tell him you can only attend part of the session. Oh and make sure the other attendees know you're doing this." Why? Because by doing so, I've called him out on being a jerk and not considered other people's engagements without making myself into a jerk. And I knew the jerk would see exactly what I was doing too. If he reacts to such a reasonable statement, then he'd be a double jerk. I believe in Chess (which I'm not smart enough to play), this is when you say "Checkmate".

With this advice in mind, I responded to the jerk. "John, I will attend but as this meeting clashes with my existing meetings, I can only make the first half". I didn't include a salutation or a sign-off though. I am not a saint after all. I consider that a small retaliation for the insult I felt. As I reflect on the event, I realised another learning point, as angry as I got, I didn't respond straight away. I didn't reject his invite nor give him a piece of my mind. Had I done either of those actions, I would've been out of options. And had my peers responded, and I refused, then I risk being perceived as the small minded jerk number 2. As the day came to an end, I realised I had stopped thinking about it. As you go through your career, people say focus on the big picture. What they don't tell you is how focussing on the big picture applies to tiny almost insignificant events such as responding to insulting meeting invites. 

Now I wait for the meeting to occur. I'll reflect on that meeting in my next blog once it's happened and detail what the jerk does. I bet he'll come in with another checked shirt and his top button undone.

Phil W.