Are you your best friend?

Prioritising your happiness - by Courtney C

Lessons Learnt.

• Reflect on what you would like to achieve this week, month, quarter, year or five years. What actions are you taking to make this a priority?
• Block out regular times to reflect on what you want to achieve and how you are progressing
• Remember:
  • you can't give from an empty bucket
  • surround yourself with people who you make feel uplifted after hanging out with them
  • it takes more courage and character to take action than to bitch and moan
  • no one can prioritise you but you so make yourself a priority
• Pretend you are your best friend. What advice would you give your best friend. Now go and do it!

The story

Getting to the later end of my 20's, I've had this sub conscious urge that I need to get my “shit together” so to speak. Not in a comparative sense that by now I should be in a well established career, married and mortgaged but more in the sense of knowing what makes me happy and having the courage to pursue this and not give a Fbomb what anyone thinks. It’s important to note I'm not generally a public swearer, in my head sure, but not often in public. But this is a blog so anything goes right.

I've become intrinsically aware that life is short and I can't be stuffed wasting any more time on people, things or activities that don't align to my heart's purpose or in less self help, airy fairy jargon, what I enjoy doing. But hey, my heart's purpose does sound pretty alluring. Upon reflection I think I know what spurred on this “happiness” search. As I have said before, I am a reforming people pleaser. I grew up in a family where selflessness and caring for others are strongly valued. I am told that one of my best and worst qualities is that I'm a giver. I've been screwed over big time for this in the past, in relationships and in my career. I routinely care too much for others to the detriment of myself. My previous boss, a brash type, even told me to look after myself and not everyone else. So if that's not an alarm bell enough I don't know what is.

To paint the picture, I was the first to put up my hand to volunteer for non-work related activities in the office for the sake of being helpful.  I was the one who organised the team lunches, morning teas, farewell gifts, coordinated the team off sites, volunteer group activities, etc. This meant lots of after hours work in order to keep on top of my actual work demands. I was also the person that people would call on when they were down and needed pumping up. So emotional support was another drain on my energy. I was so focussed on helping out and ensuring everyone else's happiness that I forgot about my own.  I found myself getting worn out, constantly rushing, stressed, not enjoying the moment, losing my gratitude and even becoming a tad bitter. My energy levels were totally depleted and I no longer felt like me so something had to change.

I made a decision to begin a real life "test and learn" experiment. I began to test the hypothesis of “there are happiness benefits to the subtle art of not giving a fuck. I'm not going to lie, it was tough initially. I felt guilty a lot. At work I didn't volunteer for extra tasks unless I actually had capacity. I stopped being so available to catch up with colleagues for lunches and coffees where it meant I would have to stay back late to finish up work. I started to become more strategic with my work. I would focus on the tasks that were the biggest bang for my buck and didn't waste too much time on activities that would not provide a huge amount of value to stakeholders or the team.

In my personal life I literally put up an agile board on the wall in my room of all the things I wanted to achieve financially, wealth, career, health, travel, and fun wise for the year.  I started prioritising my time outside of work to achieve these things. I stopped thinking about doing things and took action. I signed up to do a triathlon and booked in ladies golf lessons. I started taking day trips on the weekends. Once upon a time my weekends would have involved work. I didn't think I would have time for these fun things but surprisingly I made the time. I began to make myself not so available to friends who I thought were using me.  Sure the realisation that they were actually using me was hurtful initially but I took it for what it is, stopped being sensitive and moved on. I no longer have time for rot and don't find myself getting as emotionally involved in other people's drama. I was also pleasantly surprised by some people in my life who initiated the friendship when I wasn't as available.

The funny thing is that as I started to care less about pleasing others or to be blunt “not give a fuck”, I found myself getting happier and more productive. The more I focussed on the things that made me happy, the more energy I had. I didn't magically create more time I just became more productive in using it and prioritising what mattered. Instead of constantly feeling rushed, drained and consumed by all the things that had to get done I now felt energised and fresh. There is a sense of empowerment and self worth that comes from knowing what your priorities are and what you are prepared to compromise. I have found that by not giving a fuck I have the courage to play to my strengths and make the most of my talents.

In a work sense, I feel I have benefited from this new approach. I may not be spending as long hours on work but I am certainly more focussed and strategic about how I provide value. When I am undertaking a task now I am focussed on that task solely (most of the time) and not thinking of the 101 other things I need to get done or over thinking all the alternate solutions or what could go wrong. I just don't have the time to waste. I've always admired colleagues who during a meeting were able to come up with a solution on the spot. With this new found focus and clearer mind, I too am becoming more comfortable and finding I am able to think on my feet and have the confidence to speak up. A big win.

Safe to say the critical insight I have uncovered from my test and learn sprints to date is that the most important person I need to please is myself and the rest can go get fucked. Only kidding, I better go wash my mouth out with soap after all these profanities. In all seriousness though I know now that the happier I am the more I can offer to my family, friends and work.