Do you still know how to feel?

How broad is your emotional vocabulary? - by Phil W

Heart pumping, and high on adrenaline, I moved swiftly from room to room throughout my house. I had this image of myself clearing rooms as you see in so many war movies, except instead of a gun, I had a wooden baseball bat. What was I looking for? The thieves who had broken into my house. Just moments earlier, I had come home and found the bathroom window wide open, cupboards and drawers in the kitchen and lounge were wide open, their contents spewed everywhere. It didn't take a genius to figure what had happened. Without thinking, I grabbed my bat and started going into each room, turning on all the lights. How many thieves were still in the house? No idea. What would I do if I ran into one? No idea. At that moment, adrenaline was controlling me. I cleared several rooms or wardrobes three times because I couldn't even remember if I had been in that room already. 

Once I was satisfied that nobody was in the house, I called the cops. The adrenaline was still running, it was hard to control my voice. It quivered with both nervousness, and excitement. I started to feel my rapid heartbeat and the more I tried to control my voice, the worse it got. When the cops arrived 20mins later, they asked if I was ok and I struggled to answer. Chalking it down to the adrenaline, I blurted out "I'm fine". It was 2AM by the time the cops left but it was 6AM when the sun came up before I fell asleep. It wasn't really sleep, I woke up every 10mins.

By morning, friends called and neighbours came around to offer their support. All of them asked the same questions "how are you?" or "are you ok?". And each time, my brain paused and I felt this conflict in trying to answer. I couldn't figure out why. The automatic "I'm fine" wasn't automatic anymore. It didn't get easier with each person asking, it got worse! I wanted to give the automatic reply but each time I tried, it felt like another answer wanted to come out. But my mind doesn't know what the other answer was. So I end up pausing before I answer or stuttering to answer. Everyone who asked gave me a funny look and then just proceeded to ignore it. I'm betting most are thinking he's just got a lot on his mind.

As formal form filling and insurance activities come to an end 24 hours later, I could finally calm down and process what had happened. I focussed on why I couldn't answer. Then I recalled what the cops said to me: "it's ok to feel upset".... and the key word was "feel". I was struggling to answer "I'm fine" because I wasn't fine! But what was it that I was feeling? I had no idea. Trying to focus in on the emotion, all I knew was that it was a sense of mental discomfort, an intense mixture of anger, revenge (it's probably not a feeling), violence (again, not a feeling), regret (why didn't I close the window), and blame (somebody is responsible - most likely me).

As I processed this realisation, it hit me that I had the emotional vocabulary of a five year old. I couldn't even recognise my own emotions. All I know is happiness, sadness, and anger. Yet emotions are a massive range and I can only identify three. And if I can't identify my own emotions, how can I possibly express them correctly. With such a limited range of identifiable emotions, maybe how I express myself swings from one extreme to the other. As an introvert, I'm calm 99% of the time. But that 1%, I can become extremely angry. Maybe that's why sometimes, the calmest people (or the quiet ones) are the ones that blow up suddenly? Whenever these "blow up" events happen, in the media, you see the friends and families of the perpetrators always say "I don't know what happened, he was always so quiet, the nicest guy, etc.". Perhaps the inability to identify one's own feelings and the limited range of emotions is the reason behind why people snap. We can only express what we know and if all we know are the extreme ends of the scale then that'll explain why people can go from calm to angry so quickly. If one can't express the progression of emotions then others can't adjust their behaviours to not cross the line. 

As I was processing the realisation that potentially my inability to feel is holding me back, I started thinking about when I last cried, like really cried, sobbing kind of cry with emotion, with a cause. Then a sad memory hit me. At the passing of my grandma, who I was extremely close to (she practically raised me since my parents were working all the time). I remember with clarity the days leading up to her funeral, the funeral itself, and the days afterwards. I remember feeling sad, but that something stronger was bubbling underneath. But I couldn't figure out what it was so I supressed it as best as I can. I remember at the ceremony, so many family members were crying and balling their eyes out, and I remember wanting to cry as well........ but I couldn't. It was like there was a social expectation I had placed upon myself that as a male, as the eldest grandson, I was to be strong and not cry. My male cousins, nephews, and uncles had at least tears in their eyes, including my own father. And yet, I couldn't. Not because of a physical impediment, but because the emotion that drives tears had been suppressed. By me!!! Even during the equivalent of a eulogy (in Asian culture, they actually hire some guy/girl to read it with emotion and background music, with the sole aim of triggering tears - believe me, it's not worth asking why), when people were crying out loud, I couldn't cry. Each time I felt some emotion bubbling up, I'd suppress it. And when the day was over, while most people felt emotionally spent but better, I felt......... "nothing". I genuinely did not know how to feel. Instead, I treated it just like any other day. The next day, I had moved on, like nothing had happened. 

Ever since this event, I realised, I found it hard to feel something. When I'm being yelled at by the CEO, or when I purchased the car I had dreamed of since High School (it was Jeep Grand Cherokee if you were wondering), I didn't feel anything. In fact, a momentous moment such as purchasing the car I've dreamt of for so long, I should feel happy, joyous. But I felt nothing. I concentrated on the paperwork, concentrated on learning the car, and within an hour, it was done. To extend any sort of feeling, over a period of four weeks, I purchased additional accessories for the vehicle to the point where there was nothing else I could add. But again, within a few minutes, hours, the tiny blip of a feeling from having something new was gone. It doesn't take a psychologist to know that this was not right. Even for a male with social expectations of being a leader, a father, a husband, etc.

And this is perhaps the reason why I've always gotten feedback that my consistently calm demeanour needs to adjust to the situation. While being calm under pressure is a desirable trait, it also means that I can't express when I'm passionate about something. Passion can be communicated in all sorts of emotions but if the closest emotion I know is anger then it becomes a struggle. I've felt it myself. When expressing an opinion I'm passionate about, my heart rate ramps up, my mouth drys up, and I struggle to express my thoughts. Sentences come out stutteringly. All because I didn't know what passion feels like. Instead, I try to find it in the midst of talking and sounding like I've just delivered an unformed thought. Therefore, if we can increase our emotional vocabulary, then we can better express how we are feeling in response to our environment and the situation. If we can better express our emotions, then others will be more likely to adjust their behaviours. Perhaps then we might find there are less uncaring jerks with low EQ in the office. After all, if we don't know how we're feeling inside, how can others?

But for men (and perhaps some women), society has taught us to not show emotions. All the macho men in movies generally don't show their emotions. We've grown up thinking that emotions equal weakness. Men should be stoic and strong. Yet, this small emotional vocabulary is likely to be a contributor to us feeling like people aren't listening to us, or creating the impression that we aren't passionate about what we're doing. And so on this blog, I'm going to say something I never thought I'd say. I... AM... GOING TO LEARN MY EMOTIONS. I am going to make a conscious effort to expand my emotional vocabulary. How? I'm not sure, but once I've found a way, I will share it here. I will start with actually acknowledging how I feel and get familiar with the definition of emotions from the dictionary. Don't laugh, it's an experiment and one has to start somewhere..... or in street talk, "do you feel me?".