How to speak up and stop being the invisible introvert

“Maturity is the ability to think, speak and act your feelings within the bounds of dignity. The measure of your maturity is how mindful you become during the midst of your frustrations.”

— Samuel Ullman

Is there a magic pill to take that gives us the courage to speak up for our thoughts and ideas? Why is something as simple as opening our mouths in a meeting and articulating our thoughts so difficult to do? We have conversations with people everyday so it’s not that we don’t know how to speak. We obviously have some level of intelligence since we are conscious that we have valuable thoughts to share. If we didn’t have that level of intelligence then we wouldn’t feel so bad about not being able to speak up and share those ideas. So what is it that’s stopping us? What is this barrier that in meetings, especially important meetings, that turn us from an articulate and intelligent human being, into an invisible door knob? We hate being invisible and yet the more important the meeting, the more we want to be invisible.

I HAVE NOTHING VALUABLE TO SAY

While we’ve often focused on the actions we can take to push ourselves out of the comfort zone and speak up, we should also examine the sneaky self soothing conversations we have with ourselves that keeps us silent and invisible.

For me, one of the most debilitating self soothing conversations I have in my head every time I have a thought I want to share, is often:

It’s OK. Whatever it is that I have to say is not valuable.

The moment I say that in my head, my body relaxes instantly as now I’ve got an excuse to take the pressure off myself and not say anything. After all, if what I have to say is of no value, then I don’t need to say anything. But what I’ve just done is removed from myself my responsibilities as a fully functioning, valuable member of the company, the team or attendees of the meeting. Why am I valuable? Because I am paid to be at work. I am paid to be present and to put forward my thoughts.

If I do not speak up and share my thoughts, no matter how silly or worthless they may be, then I am shirking one of my key basic responsibilities. In that moment, the price of being invisible seems far less than the cost of saying something stupid. After all, isn’t there a famous line that’s been drilled into us during our careers that goes “It is better to keep your mouth shut and be thought of as a fool, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt”.

If that were true, then how do you explain the exposure, the visibility, and the opportunities that extroverts seem to obtain more easily than us? If that were true, how do you explain the office jerks or office show-offs who seem to have this uncanny ability to survive or even be promoted… ahead of you?

For clarity, I’m not saying that you should just start saying everything that comes into your head. But next time you have something you want to say in a meeting, and you find yourself saying that what you have to say is not valuable (or any other similar excuse), remind yourself that you have a responsibility to contribute and by not sharing your thoughts, you are shirking one of your basic responsibilities.

THE LONG TERM COST

But there is a cost to being invisible if you do it again, and again, and again. Eventually, you will not only be invisible verbally, you will be invisible literally. How? Because nobody will invite you to meetings anymore. Why? Because you have nothing to contribute, you’re just kind of there. You won’t be given opportunities to shine anymore because nobody will think of you. Think of the friends in your network who you haven’t seen in a while. Do you think about inviting them over for the weekend or go out for a coffee? Of course not, they’ve disappeared from the periphery of your mind.

So the long term cost of giving into the false belief that you have nothing valuable to say is that you end up becoming invisible literally and will miss out of opportunities to really show what you can do. This then becomes a downward spiral as this false belief is reinforced through you not being invited to meetings, and you end up feeling more invisible. Eventually, you end feeling bitter and resent the situation you are in. But because you keep thinking you have nothing valuable to say, you don’t raise it with your boss or colleagues that you feel rejected or would like them to so something to help. So you feel even more rejected and isolated. What happens when you feel this way after a while? You become one of those toxic people at work who is just constantly negative and people go out of their way to avoid them. Don’t become toxic because that feeling becomes deep seated and you carry it with you into your next role.

TAKE THE ACTION

So take this action to start eroding the false belief that what you say is not valuable. Repeat to yourself over and over again:

You will pay a price for everything you do AND for everything you DON’T do. So just speak what’s on your mind.

You can’t choose not to pay a price BUT you can choose which price you want to pay. It doesn’t matter if what you say isn’t as valuable as you thought it would be. People will give you feedback on it and over time, you will build a better filter to determine what is valuable and what isn’t. If you always keep quiet then you’ve not improved the filter from whenever it was built during your childhood years. If your filter hasn’t developed, how on Earth will you compete against those who have risked saying something stupid and improved their filter? Want to get promoted, improve your filter and speak your truth.

Photo by Matheus Bertelli from Pexels