STOP your nice guy / girl behaviours

“A lot of people are afraid to say what they want. That’s why they don’t get what they want.”

— Madonna

I will admit it. I am a recovering nice guy (although the terminology is Mr Nice Guy, the same issues apply just as much to women… maybe the term Ms Nice Girl just doesn’t have the same ring). Before I began the MyCorporateDiary journey, I’d find it hard to say ‘no’ to things I didn’t want to do, silently swallow my pride when my credit is being stolen, and I was a master at being passive aggressive with myself. Each time I chose someone else’s needs above mine, I’d smile on the outside but on the inside, I’d be a violent volcano, berating myself, telling myself I’d never do it again, and fantasising about what would happen next time. But then, ‘next time’ happens, and I say ‘yes’ instead of ‘no’. Today, I still feel the need to be nice, but at least I am aware enough to catch myself and instil the discipline to seriously consider ‘no’ rather than automatically saying ‘yes’.

As I enter Week 5 of Working From Home (WFH), I am catching more instances of myself reverting back to nice guy behaviours. Why? I suspect that despite how well technology works and how many phone calls are made, the lack of physical social interactions and the inability to see people’s facial reactions means that my mind defaults to what it’s comfortable with. It’s very easy to assume the other person is dissatisfied with the direction of the discussion when all you hear is silence on the other end. In reality, the other person is just waiting for you to finish or is on mute to minimise the sound of screaming kids in the background. In addition, office politics is very difficult to read while everyone is working from home. You naturally assume you are out of the loop, and if you’re like me, naturally assume people are talking about you. When I feel I’m out of the loop, I fear upsetting people and lose political allies, so my mind defaults to the nice guy traits.

But the ironic reality is, the more you default back to the nice guy or nice girl traits, the more you devalue yourself. If you sustain these behaviours while in the WFH environment, when the lock down is lifted, unfortunately, that’s how people will perceive you. To get back to where you were before the lock down, means starting again from a lower base. So use this WFH period to re-establish your value, reinforce the elimination of nice guy/girl traits, and get back on the path to getting what you want.

WHAT ARE NICE GUY / GIRL BEHAVIOURS

Being an introvert doesn’t automatically mean you display nice guy / girl behaviours. But most introverts are nice guys / girls (correlation not causation). Nice guys / girls normally demonstrate the following behaviours:

• Saying ‘yes’ when in fact you want to say ‘no’. Hands up if you’re at maximum capacity, a colleague comes and asks if you can assist. As much as you wanted to say ‘no’, you ended up saying ‘yes’ instead and then berate yourself internally for hours or days. I certainly have, on many occasions.

• Feels extremely uncomfortable to ask for help or generally doesn’t ask for help. Nice guys / girls don’t want to cause trouble for others, and create in their minds, volumes of rationale to support why the other person will say ‘no’. Nice guys / girls talk themselves out of asking for help.

• Gets extremely anxious when asking for what they want. Again, hands up if you’ve really wanted to be assigned a project, a task, or be considered for a promotion. But instead of being direct and stating that you’d like that opportunity, you either don’t ask (hoping that the other person would know and then get upset when they don’t pick you) or when you do ask, you put in a whole lot of disclaimers about how you’d understand if you don’t get chosen. OR

• When asking for what you want, you are so unclear that the person you’re asking doesn’t really know what you want, or most importantly, how much you want it.

Why do nice guys / girls adopt these behaviours. There are many research articles available through a simple Google search, which you can read in your own time. However, it generally stems from assumptions made during childhood, and social conditioning, particular in Asian cultures where respect of seniority and hierarchy plays a key role inadvertently reinforcing nice guy / girl traits.

In general, nice guys / girls assume that if we focus on other people’s needs first then we’re likely to get the same in return. And, if we don’t cause hassles, we’d be perceived as a value adding individual. But there are two downsides to this. First, the world doesn’t work this way. People don’t give back what they get. As nice guys / girls, we think we would but the reality is we don’t either. Second, the less hassles you cause, the less you are known. In an office environment, out of sight is really out of mind. And when you are working from home, it’s very easy to be out of sight and out of mind.

So here are the steps you can take while working from home to stop your nice guy / girl behaviours.

STOP SAYING YES

Easier said than done. But don’t use that as an excuse to not do anything. Our approach at MyCorporateDiary has always been, take small steps first and cumulative build them on top of one another to form a new habit. There are 5 EASY STEPS YOU CAN TAKE to stop saying yes when you actually want to say no:

• Step 1: STALL - You don’t have to give an answer straight away. Since you’re uncomfortable with saying no, give yourself some breathing space. Use simple excuses to get yourself out of the situation like “… let me check and come back to you… “. This gives you the opportunity to step out of a high pressure environment, compose yourself, and think about how best to say no.

• Step 2: ALTERNATIVES - You don’t have to say “no, I can’t help you”. That’s kind of rude and also burns your bridges, Instead of using the word ‘no’, you can say when you might be able to help at a future period when you have more capacity (i.e. “I can get into it in two weeks time while I finish xyz”). If the matter is truly urgent, the requestor will ask someone else but he/she wouldn’t think you’re not being helpful.

There are three other steps that will help you cement your ability to say no. Follow the 5 EASY STEPS YOU CAN TAKE to stop saying yes when you actually want to say no and make sure you practice. Practice makes things easier and soon you will cement the ability to put your own needs first.

ASK FOR HELP / GUIDANCE

Stop trying to do everything yourself or pretending that you know how to do something. With enough research, you will likely be able to do everything but you won’t have enough time to learn everything to the level you need, nor will people give you the opportunity to make enough mistakes to perfect that skill. Take a shortcut and ask for help when you don’t know or are unsure how to do something.

Now don’t be an amateur and go to your boss with “I don’t know”. You have intelligence, opinions, and views. Put them together into a cohesive but concise idea. Then run it by your boss or someone who has the experience to get their thoughts or views. Approach them with clarity on why you are speaking with them. Tell them that you’d like to run your idea past them to get their views.

This is a great opportunity for you to be seen without overtly marketing yourself and at the same time, allow you to show off your intellect and ideas in a safe context. As I’ve called out previously, the key to getting promoted is to demonstrate your ability to solve problems. You don’t want to come off as the office suck up, jumping at every problem that needs to be solved, and you don’t want to pretend you have all the answers since that’s just not a reality. Plus if you think you have the answers to everything, you probably don’t have the right mindset to learn and grow.

But by asking for help to sanity check your ideas and seeking guidance from experienced and influential individuals, you’ve increased your exposure in a measure way and created an opportunity to share your ideas while simultaneously learning from others.

This should be your priority rather than other people’s needs.

ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT

Another one that is easier said than done. But, start small and soon, the small steps will cumulatively become the new habits that help you get what you want. In the previous post, we spoke of the need to talk slowly and loudly. Importantly, we also spoke about how you structure your point to increase your persuasion and the 3 Step approach to communicating to get the response you want.

But underlining the above, you actually need to ask for what you want clearly. It doesn’t matter how well you structure your email or how clear you are at speaking, if what you actually want isn’t clear then none of the tactics are going to help.

So when you truly want something, realise this - you have to take care of your own needs. Nobody else will take care of them for you. So ask for what you want clearly and directly. If the other person says no, that’s OK. It’s not the end of the world. It’s not a reflection on you, but it’s opportunity to learn what you need to improve upon. When asking for what you want, make sure you do the following:

• Don’t build volumes of disclaimers like “I understand if not, but thought I’d check” or “should you not have an alternative, I’d be happy to be considered for the role.” These disclaimers dilute the intensity and clarity of what you want.

• Don’t use indirect words like “I’d be happy to be considered”. Use direct language to strengthen how much you really want it.

• Build your case with enthusiasm. Again, no need for a giant essay but put forward dot points as to why you should get what you want.

So there you have it. Two steps to take to get you out of the nice guy / girl behaviours. Particularly now during the WFH period where most communications are via email, take your time to think about the correct response before you actually respond. Use this time to refine and reinforce your self-improvement journey and come out of it as a stronger, better you. If you need more inspiration, here is a highly recommended TED Talk from Mel Robbins to get you started.

Photo by Pham Khoai from Pexels