How to easily command respect in a group
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“No-one really feels self-confident deep down because it’s an artificial idea. Really, people aren’t that worried about what you’re doing or what you’re saying, so you can drift around the world relatively anonymously: you must not feel persecuted and examined. Liberate yourself from that idea that people are watching you.”
Commanding respect naturally is one of the most difficult things to master. For me, it was always a challenge given my people pleasing ways and introverted nature. I prefer to blend into the background and not be noticed. However, my deep seated insecurities also meant that I was particularly sensitive to any look, action, or sentence that could easily be incorrectly perceived as disrespectful. And when I was genuinely disrespected, I didn’t have the self respect to speak up for myself. I’m sure I’m not the only one who has felt this way. The double whammy of being overly sensitive together with the lack of confidence to stand up for myself. You can say I lacked both the ability to command respect and also self respect.
Once again, the team at Charisma on Command have produced a highly useful breakdown of the actions we can all take to command respect in a genuine and sustainable way. Despite his reputation as a self focused bad boy, Russell Brand is one of the most intelligent celebrities and often cuts through the fluff to get to the key points. This breakdown of the actions Russell Brand uses to command respect is both humorous and insightful.
You can watch the full breakdown at the end of the blog but the key actions I took away are the following.
ACTION 1 - ALWAYS FINISH YOUR SENTENCE
This is something I am guilty of. Each time I am cut off in the middle of my sentence by someone else (often it’s someone more senior or an extrovert), I either stop or just trail off. Inside, not only do I resent the person for being cut off (especially as I’d always wait for people to finish their sentence) but I am also angry at myself for not pushing on. I feel both angry and disappointed at the same time. Further, it stands to reason that the more often you let people cut you off without consequence, the more often they’ll do it. Soon, even if people don’t disrespect you, it just becomes natural to cut you off.
So the action here is simple. If you are talking and someone else starts talking, continue your sentence. It is them who should stop rather than you. If they continue, pipe up, speak louder, and politely ask them to let you finish. You have right of way so utilise that right.
ACTION 2 - REFER TO EACH PERSON BY THEIR NAME
Once you think about it, this is so logical. Nothing gets your attention faster than someone calling your name. We all love our own name and while we’re growing up, our parents always used our name to get our attention. Particularly when we’ve done something wrong or we’re about to be told off, our parents would emphasise our full name or in some cases even our middle name to get our attention.
So to command attention and get the focus on what you have to say, utilise the same trick. Address the person you’re talking to by name. It gets their undivided attention and focus. Plus it clarifies who you are talking to specifically, making it difficult for other people to cut you off. Obviously, do this in moderation. Don’t say the person’s name in every sentence. That will just be weird. But use it when you want to get a particular point across.
ACTION 3 - MAKE EYE CONTACT
We’ve blogged about this many times before. It is one of the key foundation actions all introverts need to master. Making eye contact and holding it for slight longer than normal helps to command attention while conveying the intensity of your message in a non-verbal way.
When you combine eye contact with speaking the other person’s name, it becomes a powerful combo that really gets the group’s attention. In such a scenario, it discourages other people from cutting you off, and even if you do, nobody will be listening to them.
ACTION 4 - ENCOURAGE THE POSITIVE BEHAVIOURS
We can’t control other people but we can control ourselves and what we pay attention to. Put simply, if someone is being rude or showing you disrespect, you give them less of a response or as Russell Brand demonstrated, take the focus somewhere, which subtly shows that you are ignoring the disrespectful person.
Once that person changes or demonstrates a behaviour that actually shows you respect, you reward that with a smile, your full attention, and a proper response. In a short timeframe, you’ve subconsciously trained the other person into understanding what are positive behaviours for you, and what isn’t tolerated.
ACTION 5 - CALL OUT THE DISRESPECTFUL BEHAVIOUR
This is the most important action but one of the most difficult to master. In some cases, particularly for extroverts who are just not aware of their own actions and impacts on others, subtle signs just won’t be noticed. In such a scenario, you need to pluck up the courage and just call-out the disrespectful behaviour.
The key here is to call-out the disrespectful behaviour itself and not the person doing it (as tempting as it is). By calling it out in a semi-humorous manner and avoiding calling out the person, it helps the group to recognise what is not acceptable and the person in focus will realise that it’s not a personal attack.
Commanding genuine respect, one that doesn’t rely on your position power is one of the hardest things to do for an introvert. There are five simple actions we can adopt straight away that can help us to establish our presence in the room and command the attention and focus on what we have to say.