How to communicate to elicit the response you want

“Half the world is composed of people who have something to say and can’t, and the other half who have nothing to say and keep on saying it.”

— Robert Frost

The biggest observable difference in the office between introverts and extroverts is often the volume of words. Extroverts gain their energy from interactions with people, which often results in them thinking out loud. They will start with a position, then verbally articulate their thinking process as they navigate the various perspectives to eventually arrive at a point. Often during this process, the extrovert would almost appear to be talking to themselves. One of my greatest mentors and former boss is an extrovert. Our conversations are often filled with her thinking out loud and on a few occasions, I’m pretty sure I could’ve left the room and she wouldn’t have noticed and even if she did, she would’ve been quite content to have a conversation with herself out loud.

Introverts on the other hand, like to think deeply and quietly before speaking out loud. As an introvert, I’m often not comfortable putting forward a position until I have thought through all the perspectives. Sometimes I give into temptation and spew forward a never ending list of caveats before arriving at a very weak position. I guess I’m hoping that spewing forward caveats such as “Well, not having seen the details…”, I’m hoping to buy some time to allow me to think.

But regardless of whether you are an introvert or an extrovert, or whether you are presenting verbally or sending someone an email, there is a clear formula that you can all follow that will help the audience/recipient truly understand what it is that you want and increase the chances of you eliciting a favourable response.

STEP 1 - CLARIFY FOR YOURSELF WHAT YOU WANT

I’ve had to learn this the hard way. After talking for about 10 minutes and debating back and forth over several points, a clearly exasperated Board member looked me dead in the eye and asked “So what is it that you are looking for from us?” The moment I heard that, my heart sank, and it sank for two reasons. The first was that I had always prided myself on being concise and clear in my communication style. It’s something that I’ve always focused on. For this Board meeting, not only have I submitted a paper on the subject matter, but I’ve also presented it verbally and reinforced the key points. The fact that I received this question from someone who reads everything just shows how miserably I failed in trying to be concise and clear.

But in that moment, what really caused my heart to sink was the realisation that I couldn’t answer his question. It was such a simple question! From the Board member’s perspective, I’ve forced him to read a four page document and then rattled on for 10 minutes, surely there must be something that I want. But the reality was, after all that preparation, I hadn’t actually figured out for myself, in the best case scenario, what it was that I wanted or in this case, what actions I wanted the Board to take. I tried desperately to think of a clear request but failed miserably in my head. Another Board member sensing my struggle, very helpfully jumped in and suggested that perhaps I was actually seeking their input and will utilise that to formulate an approach, which I will bring back to a subsequent meeting.

That experience was a while ago but it taught me a very important lesson. Before opening my mouth or sending that email, I need to be clear for myself, what I actually want from the audience or recipient. It could be actions I need them to take, it could be an endorsement, or it could be approval. In fact, it could even be nothing, but make sure that’s clear. With the mentor I mentioned above, sometimes when I’ve had a rough meeting, I’d go to her and start the session with “I just want to vent for a second. I don’t want you to do anything. I just need to get this off my chest”. With that one sentence, she would stay quiet and for the next two minutes and listen to me vent.

If you’re struggling to figure out what you want, then use the steps I learnt from Edward De Bono’s book “Teach Yourself to Think”. I’ve captured the steps I found useful in the post How to make full use of your brainpower.

STEP 2 - STATE WHAT YOU WANT UP FRONT NOT AT THE END

A common mistake many people make is they state facts and figures up front, or try to build context first. However, nobody pays attention to the facts and figures because they are busy trying to figure out why you’re telling them these data points. Similarly for context. How can the audience understand the context, if they don’t know what you want from them.

The best way to start you presentation, work conversation, or email is to be clear with what you want up front, which hopefully you’ve identified through step 1. The reason being that once the audience/recipient has an idea of what you want, they can then interpret the rest of your communication better and their mind can settle into listening rather than trying to guess at what you’ll be arriving at.

I used this approach at a recent Board Committee meeting. I had 15 minutes to convince this Committee to take ownership of a particular program of work and I really don’t want them to kick the can down the road and say they’ll consider it and for me to come back for a decision at another time. So, I toughened up and I stated up front what it was that I wanted from this Committee. This is how I started my presentation after the initial pleasantries (word for word because I actually wrote it down and rehearsed it):

In the time that I have and taking the paper as read, I’d like to reinforce the key insights to be drawn from our reported observations and share with you the rationale behind our recommendations so that we arrive at a decision on ownership and remediation timelines by the end of this agenda item.

As you can see, in the short time that it took to state the above, I made it clear and precise, exactly what it was that I’m wanting. I’m being assertive on what I want without being demanding. This is where the choice of words is absolutely vital. Notice that I didn’t use phrases such as “I’d like to” or “I hope to”. Instead, I’m saying that we will arrive at ownership and timelines by the time that I’m done.

Once I have established what I want with the above sentence, I can then move into the facts and figures that highlight our insights, the context and therefore the rationale behind our recommendations. Throughout this whole period, the audience is now interpreting what I’m saying within the context of trying to arrive at who will own this issue and what is a practical timeline for remediation. This increases the chances of me actually getting what I want.

To conclude the event above, I did get what I want and my agenda item ran significantly over time. But every question I received was focused on getting to the want that I had established up front.

STEP 3 - SPEND TIME PREPARING AND KEEP YOUR COMMUNICATION SHORT

Often, a clear indicator to yourself that you haven’t figured what you want, is that you write long meandering emails that jump from context to facts and figures, back to context, and then some actions. Successful communication is often short and sharp. Again, if you follow the steps in our post How to make full use of your brainpower, you will figure out not only what you want but also how to position it so that your communication is short and sharp.

Continuing on with the Board Committee example above, for the 15 minutes that I had been allocated, my entire presentation, including the line above, was only three minutes. I gave myself one minute for pleasantries, and establishing what I want. I gave myself another minute for insights (i.e. facts and figures), and I used the final minute to set the rationale behind our recommendations (context). The remaining 12 minutes is left for questions, and for discussion on ownership and timelines. Why? Because I wanted a decision on who should own the action and agreement on when it should be completed. I need to give people time to consider what I’ve put in front of them. If I bombard them with information for 10 minutes, they will need even more time to ask more questions.

This means that before you communicate, not only do you need to spend time figuring out clearly what you want, you need to also spend time on determining exactly what is the minimum amount of facts and figures you can put forward that will help your audience understand where you’re coming from, what questions they’re likely or need to ask to get comfort, and then eventually be comfortable in making a decision.

Continuing the event above, for the 15 minutes I had been allocated, I started preparing two weeks in advance, totalling roughly 10 hours. I did the obvious thing of going through all the reports and documents, I followed the steps in our post How to make full use of your brainpower, but most importantly, I spent a lot of time identifying the three key insights and three key rationale points that best illustrate why it is vital that we conclude on deciding who should own the action and when it should be completed. In essence, I curated all the information that I have into a short sharp story that best illustrate the urgency to support the need for a decision.

Photo by Matheus Bertelli from Pexels