“The universe doesn’t give you what you ask for with your thoughts; it gives you what you demand with your actions.”

— Dr Steve Maraboli

My brother in law is family. I have no choice but to love him. He is genuine, he is caring, and he is intelligent. But, he is also very self centred (but not selfish), boastful, and arrogant. He is obsessed with brands, and obsessed with the rule that if you haven’t paid top dollar for something then it must not be the best. The concept of value for money just doesn’t resonate with him. The two of us are on the opposite ends of the spectrum in our approach to life. This probably explains why he annoys me so much. Sometimes the words that come out of his mouth are so arrogant and unkind that it drives strong and unpleasant emotions in me. As hard as I try, it’s hard to not wonder why my wife, my family, and my in-laws don’t see the flaws that I see. Perhaps, him being the youngest child in the family has something to do with it.

But as hard as it is for me to say this, as I go through my self improvement journey, I also learn a lot from him….. once I’ve calmed down enough to reflect on the experience. I want to share a recent example where reflecting on his arrogance taught me an important lesson. Sometimes, we are the ones that hold ourselves back and not get what we deserved. This is going to be a short but important lesson.

My brother in law drives a BMW. It’s black, small, and expensive. Obviously, optioned out with everything you can find from the factory. If you pictured his BMW with that bright orange interior, you’d be right. If you then pictured his BMW to also have personalised number plates, you’d be doubly right. Given he is a dentist, if you pictured his number plate to contain the letters “DR”, then I’d say you’re a fortune teller.

It’s a very nice car. But it obviously stands out like a sore thumb everywhere it goes. It gives off an air of “look at me”. So one recent Sunday morning, it drew the attention of some undesirable people while it was parked in basement of my brother in law’s dental practice. Smelling money, the undesirable people took a crowbar (or rock) to the windows of this shiny black BMW in order to steal the contents left inside. I can’t remember exactly what was stolen but he had an expensive man-bag, some clothes, and a camera taken.

That Sunday afternoon, as he pulled into our driveway for a visit. Instead of a black BMW, I see a green Skoda. He walked up to our front door in a huff and then without prompting, vented his anger and frustration. One would think he would vent about the undesirable people who had broken into his vehicle and caused so much inconvenience.

Nope!!!! He vented about the insurance company and the rental car company. Why? Because they first offered to give him a Hyundai i30 as a replacement. He was angry because it was such an insult that he drives a BMW and yet they offered a Hyundai. Then they offered him the Skoda. He scoffed as it was nowhere near his BMW. But at least it was European. His final statement to us was “… at the very least offer me an Audi to replace my BMW temporarily…” He was going to call them on Monday and demand an Audi.

The first reaction I had (after knowing that he was alright and didn’t lose anything of value that couldn’t be replaced) was how much more arrogant could he be. To get so worked up over a replacement vehicle while his car was being replaced. To insult everyone who drives Hyundais, Skodas, and Audis as if they were not good enough for him. I have friends who are very well off (more so than him) who drive Hyundais, Skodas, and Audis. I’m also pissed off because I’ve been thinking about replacing my beloved Jeep with a Skoda. Where does he get off talking like that about other people.

After he left that afternoon, driving away in his Skoda, I reflected on the situation. There was a nagging feeling that I had missed an important lesson. Then it hit me. Putting aside his bravado and arrogance, he had every right to demand for a rental vehicle that is equal to (or as close as possible) the status of the insured vehicle. As someone who works in the insurance industry, I know this to be fact. It was wrong of his insurance company to offer him a Hyundai to replace his BMW while it was being repaired. Knowing the insurance company he went with, this was probably one of the selling points of their policy. So he had every right to demand what is rightfully his.

So why was I upset at what he said? Why did I think that he was arrogant? Because deep down, I knew that if I was in the same situation, I wouldn’t do what he did even though I should. If I had a BMW and the insurance company offered me a Hyundai, I would’ve been annoyed on the inside but drive away without saying a word. I wouldn’t ask for a better vehicle or call head office on Monday. I would’ve just driven away and not said a word.

But the reality is this. What my brother in law did was right. He demanded for what is rightfully his. In the same situation, I would’ve just accepted the Hyundai and driven away. And that is the wrong. Not demanding for what is rightfully yours in wrong. Not even asking for that upgrade is wrong. In life, it is rare for anyone to offer anything above and beyond the bare minimum, especially companies. So we need to demand for it, ask for it. Don’t just accept what is given.

So the take away lesson I want all of us to have is this:

Always ask for what is rightfully yours. And when in doubt, just ask anyway.

Blog Photo by Pete Bellis on Unsplash

Further Reading

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How to be Value-Adding

Being seen as value-adding is one of the biggest planks in the foundation of your career success. Here are four simple steps you can take, which if you do consistently, will guarantee that you seen to be contributing meaningfully at work and maximise your chances of promotion and success.

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How to overcome Social Anxiety

Social anxiety is the single biggest blocker to introverts recognising the best version of themselves. The rapid heart beat, sweat, and mind blanks cause us to lose our perfectly thought through logic. Instead, a jumbled mass of words and ideas come out. The solution isn’t to stop feeling anxious. It is to recognise it and then start focus on the people you are speaking to.

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Confrontations need not be daunting and one sided. The traditional leadership theories that focus on feelings and behaviours aren’t wrong. But they are missing a core component that make a massive difference. There is a simple framework from Simon Sinek that ties it all together.

STOP your nice guy / girl behaviours

Stop saying yes when you want to say no, and learn to prioritise your needs first. Nobody else is going to make your career goals come true except you. There are simple steps you can take now to stop sabotaging yourself through your nice guy / girl behaviours.

Being the best version of yourself while Working From Home

Don’t let the pandemic cause you to regress on your self improvement journey and fall into the comfort trap while working from home. Take charge of your new routine and refocus on these six foundation steps to get back on your self-improvement journey and use this opportunity to become the best version of yourself.

The key to demonstrating confidence

Your ability to demonstrate confidence is key to your career success, progression, and getting what you want. If you understand frame and can hold it in any interaction, then you will come across as confident. Here are some simple but highly impactful techniques you can use to project confidence.

The key to promotion for introverts

The key to promotion for introverts is to unleash our deep thinking and put them into practice. The mindset shift is to realise, you have to demonstrate you are operating at the next level before you actually get promoted. There is a simple way to demonstrate this by changing what you say and do when you encounter an issue. Use this principle to change your mindset and you will find success.

How to be charming as an introvert

There are a few simple actions you can take, to be as charming as Keanu Reeves, who is a stand-out as an introvert in a very extrovert dominated industry. It doesn’t require you to pretend to be someone you are not, but these five simple actions, give you the tools to embrace your introversion and use them to genuinely connect and interact in the most value-adding way. You will be both charming and unforgettable.