Want to be noticed and appreciated? STOP DOING THIS!

As introverts, we are deep thinkers. We care about the outcome, we think through all contingencies, we think about what the stakeholders need, and importantly, once decided, we crack on and deliver. Most of us introverts are also people pleasers. We try to give people what they want at the expense of ourselves. There are many deep psychological reasons as to why we are people pleasers. The standard reason being that as a child, we wanted to get approval from the people who cared for us, and as we discovered that giving other people what they wanted meant they'd give us the approval you want in return, this approach became ingrained in our psyche. Regardless of the psychological cause or causes, as adults in the workplace, this combination of introversion and people pleasing normally results in some permutation of the following:

• You find that when people have no use for you, the warmth and friendliness they displayed when you were doing something for them is nowhere to be found.
• When you need a favor, you find that the 10 favors you've done for them don't seem to count for much.
• OR (more likely), when they do you a favor, no matter how small, you feel like you owe them 10 more favors.
• When key decisions are being made, people just assume that you will be OK with that decision. Well, because, you've always been OK with other people's decisions.
• When you've had a major achievement, you under sell what you've done. Over time, even when you try to over sell an achievement, the people you report to and your peers don't really take notice, no matter how significant.
• You respect those high up than you, assuming that they've done the hard yards and should rightfully be where they are. Everything they say goes. But then you see the decisions they make and realize that's not the case. 

All of this, just produces in us a sense that the world isn't fair. That the more we give, the less we get in return. This is completely contrary to everything that we've been taught. Our parents taught us that you get out what you put in. You have to be polite, kind, and considerate of other people. Religion and philosophy teaches us the same concepts. If someone slaps you in the face, turn the other cheek, or walk a mile in someone else's shoes. Schools reinforce the same concept. Think about it. If you studied hard, you got good grades. Teachers reward students who got good grades, calling them out in class, and publishing their results. Your parents rewarded you if you got good grades, reinforcing the concept that hard work equals rewards which equals approval. The only people who perhaps disagreed with you are the school bullies who paid you out about being a nerd. But then you just write them off as mentally and emotionally damaged kids. Yup, life couldn't get any sweeter. Simple formula: hard work and being polite equals good grades, which equals getting approval. 

Aside from the well documented famous entrepreneurs who failed miserably at school but still became enormously successful, we know that formula is just utter rubbish. Hard work and being nice does not equal higher pay, and  does not equal approval. Schools are heavily regimented environments. They use grades and standardized testing because it's the easiest way for them to use a baseline to measure how everyone is going. Your parents taught you that hard work and being polite equals a future because that's what they've been taught. In all likelihood, you probably went to the same schools as them. They meant well. You probably noticed that the same formula doesn't work in relationships either. Whether you are male or female, the nicer you are, the harder you try, the more difficult it is to get attention. Instead, you watch the partner of your dreams go out with someone who is half your intellect, and treats them like crap by your standards (easy come easy go right) . 

So what can you do to change this? What's the one action you can take today to start making a difference? It's actually very simple.

STOP BEING SO AVAILABLE!!

• Stop responding to emails the moment they come in. If you are in the middle of working on something then finish that something and respond to emails later. Better yet, turn off your inbox so you don't get distracted each time that notification pops up to tell you there's an email. If it's important, that person will call you.
• If the sender of the above email chooses to call you (even if it's not important) and asks whether you'd agree to take on a task, and you want to be polite but can't think on your feet fast enough to say no in a nice way, then just simply ask for some time to think about it. You don't have to agree or disagree with a request right there and then. Just say you're in the middle of something and can't given enough consideration to it right now. Can they call you back in a few days time.
• Commit to memory your priorities for the week. If something that comes in that is not aligned with your priorities, then push it back. If you don't focus on your own priorities, all you are doing is helping someone else achieve their priorities.

There are many more ways to be less available but the above are for me my three most common forms. Why does being less available work? Because of the law of scarcity (read our review on the book Influence). It is human nature to value something that is not readily available. They value even more anything that has recently become unavailable. It is the basis of so many tactics all of us are subjected to regularly to try and get us to fork out more money. Think about it. It's the underlying principle for auction sites like eBay. The more people who bid on the product, the more we feel like we want it and increase our bids. It's the same for the stock market. The higher the price of a stock, and the more we hear about people buying it, the more we want it ourselves and end up overpaying. I can list more scenarios where the law of scarcity works. People who scalp tickets to popular concerts, that carpet store which has a sale that ends Sunday or that closing down sale where the store never closes. Why is that girl/boy who rejected you all of a sudden even more desirable (actually this happens even if he/she hasn't rejected you but you think they might)? 

One last real world scenario where I've observed the law of scarcity at work. Why do people who own both dogs and cats value cats more? Because the dog is too available. The dog is always there, it is always ready to forgive, it is always ready to play. But cats are much smarter. They don't wait to greet you at the door. They couldn't give a toss what you are feeling. They withhold their affection for when they want something from you. Then you feel so special that this rare event is happening. You give it all the attention in the world because you know the cat can take it away in an instant. Meanwhile, the dog is loyally sitting by your side, panting, and waiting for you to give it just that millisecond of attention. And when it gets it, boy it's like heaven. 

Do you see what's happening here? As introverted people pleasers, we are the "dogs" (metaphorically speaking) in the workplace or in a relationship. We are loyal, we deliver, and we care. Yet when we do this over and over again, it just becomes a standard people expect of us. They no longer see the effort and commitment that goes into making it happen. Each time, we must deliver to a higher standard, which requires a higher level of effort. But time, resource, and energy are limited. There is only so much effort you can put in. What happens when we can't exert any more effort and raise the standard of our deliverable? We are rejected and tossed out as having not met expectations. It is only after we've left, do people realize the value that we provided (since we are now no longer available). But pride and the inability to admit fault means that we won't be asked back. So we move onto another role (or another relationship) and repeat the same process. 

Sound familiar? Talk about putting theory into practice. So starting right now, commit to memory what your priorities are (or what you need in a relationship). If you don't know or it's not clear, then your priority should be to figure it out first. Stop responding to emails, phone calls and task requests straight away. If you can't figure out what to say, then defer the decision until you've had time to think about it. Shit, worst case scenario, just turn around and walk away or say nothing and look like a stunned mullet. I can guarantee you that looking like a stunned mullet is better for you than agreeing to take on a task that is someone else's priority. It won't make you look selfish, it won't turn you into the office jerk (who is most likely the one trying to get you to do their job), and it won't change who you are. But what it will do is provide the workplace (or your partner) with enough space to value what your introverted people pleasing mind brings to the table. And if you need a simple way to remember this, just think of a cat and a dog. Remember to be the cat. 

Blog photo by Pascal Swier on Unsplash.