The one thing we can't escape from - so use it as inspiration
/“Remembering that I’ll be dead soon is the most important tool I’ve ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything — all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important.... because death is very likely the single best invention in life. It’s life’s change agent.”
Steve Jobs said the above in 2005 after he beat the first round of his life threatening illness. Death is normally such a depressing topic. While it is normally used in the negative form, it can also be used in its positive form. As an inspiration to tell you that at some point in your life, there will be no more "I'll get started tomorrow" or "There's always next time". There is an end point for all of us and time in finite. There are only so many tomorrows everyone has. Within this context, a lot of things we as introverts worry about or the negative narratives in our head all pale in comparison.
The above quote came into my head just recently. I was working through one of the most challenging periods of 2017. My company was going through a restructure and like all restructures, what you are told as the rationale behind the changes is nothing more than smoke and mirrors. What made it worse this time, was that not only was it really just a reduction in employee numbers, but the reductions were so illogical. Already big teams got even bigger and medium to small teams (which my team falls into) were decimated. Another team was to merge into mine and as a whole, I needed to make a 60% reduction. Yup, I was instructed to provide oversight for a portfolio that's now doubled in size, and yet with 60% less resources. Even on paper that did not make sense. To top it off, I had to make this work and give the difficult message even though I myself was not confirmed in the role of leading the combined team.
So I sprung into action, lobbying as many people as I can, speaking with as many influential people in the company as possible, and leaking the changes to some highly trusted customers, who I knew would use their clout to let their feelings known about the stupidity of the changes. It's in times like these, you truly see who you friends at work are. I very quickly saw those who paid lip service but did nothing (even when they agreed to) versus those who went above and beyond, giving me advice, providing suggestions, and most importantly, used their own political capital to lobby on my behalf. The majority of the team behaved admirably, continuing in the delivery of work for customers, despite the massive distraction that hung over their heads and not knowing where they'd end up. I also saw the tone-deaf peer teams, who despite being very aware of scale of change being imposed on my team, continued to increase their demand, or worse, tried to use this opportunity to sneakily see what intelligence they could use for their own means or exploit the uncertainty and try to poach highly capable members of the team. And so with a coordinated effort and extensive lobbying, the C-suite responded and the ridiculous changes were toned down. The portfolio size returned to normal and the majority of the team was left intact. By the end of the three weeks, when all the changes were finalized, I was mentally and emotionally spent. As a leader I had to ignore my own emotions and tailor my language. But when it was all over, those suppressed emotions came flooding back. After the last conversation was held to inform a team member that he was now redundant, I sat in the meeting room for a long time. It was a few days ago now but I can still remember the office noise that seeped through the glass windows fall into the background. The hum of the air vents disappeared, and my eyes weren't focussed on anything.
I just felt so spent. But worse, I felt a strong mixture of anger, disappointment, and resentment. Anger and disappointment because while in the back of my mind I knew the realities of office politics and that not everyone does things for the good of the company or their staff, this was all laid bare during the restructure. Resentment because those in the C-suite who were supposed to be smarter than me and more sophisticated than me proved to be otherwise. In that moment, I was ready to quit! Yes, my role was confirmed. Yes, the team I wanted was confirmed. BUT, I felt so let down and so disillusioned that I didn't want to spend another minute in the company. So I decided to go for a walk and collect my thoughts on a resignation letter. I didn't care how many people I was going to piss off because they had always planned to confirm me to be in the role.
As I was walking, trying to come up with the best resignation letter, a very uncomfortable thought kept nagging away at me. I was also at fault! I had a gut feeling 10 months ago that something like this would happen. I had developed an entire plan filled with initiatives to elevate awareness of myself and the team to the C-suite. They already knew who I was and what I did but it was time to ramp it up so that when the restructure did arrive, I have a chance at influencing them to leave my team alone or at least be able to influence the restructure more holistically (e.g. how can we remove the known dead weights). I had started on some of the things on the plan, I had set up monthly meetings with the C-suite where I provide them with insights they never knew they needed. I had even gotten members of the team to take technical reports into business relevant reports that the C-suite would find interesting and useful. But the majority of the plan was either in progress, just kicked off, or still an idea in my head. I had 10 months to get the plan finished. Along those 10 months, there were enough signals to say the restructure was coming. So why didn't I progress the plan with haste?
Because I thought there was always tomorrow. 8AM to 5PM, I'm in meetings and doing my day job. This means the thinking to go into my plan happens outside of business hours. What did I prioritize first? Of course the things that are part of my day job. Not because they're more important but because they require less effort. And because there's always tomorrow. At the beginning of 2017, September felt very far away. In March September felt very far away. Even in June, September felt very far away, until of course, September rolls around. By then, it's too late. I always pride myself in my sense of urgency when required but when something feels far away, you don't get the sense of urgency.
As I turned around to head back to the office, I concluded that I shouldn't quit. While I was still angry and disappointed at the C-suite and the stupidity of the decisions-made, I realized I was also at fault. I had let myself and my team down because I thought there was always tomorrow. And for those of you who have read my previous blogs, I continued to fall for the trap of being the smartest person in the room. Why? Why did I blog about something to NOT do and then do it myself. Because there was always tomorrow. How much pain, panic, and emotions I would've saved myself and my team had I not thought that there was always tomorrow.
Then I got thinking. The same principles apply in life. How many things are we putting off doing because we think there's always tomorrow. Self-improvement is not through taking massive action. That's rubbish. You don't learn to ride a bicycle by starting off with riding a Harley. Sustainable and embedded self improvement is taking small actions and embedding them. Making small changes one at a time. At the end, they roll up in a new you. Just like me at the beginning of 2017 thinking that the restructure is still some way away, in life, you're probably thinking that your retirement is some way away or that death is some way away. Stop thinking this way. There may be no more tomorrows soon. Take action now. One small step at a time.
Photo by Angelina Litvin on Unsplash