Equalizing another extrovert advantage
/“The real man smiles when in trouble, gathers strength from distress, and grows strong by reflection.”
I don't like to smile. I feel like it's a sign of weakness and vulnerability. I even get feedback from friends and family on a regular basis regarding that fact that I don't smile. My wife claims that I have the emotional vocabulary and corresponding facial expressions of a five year old kid. As I do more and more research for MyCorporateDiary, I am shocked to learn that it's not just me. Not smiling is a common introvert trait.
So, I hear you asking, "what's your point"? Are you going to write a whole blog just to ask me to smile? Yes, but with a twist. You see, I've actually been conducting a little experiment for the last four weeks and the results have been impressive. But before I share the experiment results with you, let's look at the facts.
First fact. A genuine smile (or even a broad fake one) is disarming. It makes whoever you're talking to feel like they can communicate safely with you. It projects warmth, friendliness, and openness. One of the first facial expressions that babies have when they are born is to smile. You don't need to teach a baby to smile. It (he/she) just does it naturally. It happens within the first week in most cases. And why do babies need to know how to smile? Because it's a key expression in helping adults to love them and protect them. Next time you're holding a baby (or a child) and he/she smiles back at you, I challenge you not to feel something warm and fuzzy or not smile in return. You can't. It's just a natural human reaction to feel better when you see someone smile at you.
Second fact. Smiling is a key trait of extroverts. They love the attention, they garner energy off socializing and interacting with people. Smiling comes naturally to them. On top of being vocal, and loud, which gets them attention, they also smile more often and more naturally. When they talk to you, they look deep into your eyes, hold your attention, give you a big smile, and then launch into whatever topic of discussion that's on their mind, regardless of what you're doing. In fact, they'll likely go through five different topics before you get a word in. It's important to remember that extroverts aren't evil. Introversion and extroversion are just two ends of the spectrum of behavior tendencies. While most office jerks are extroverts, it doesn't mean that every extrovert is an office jerk. As one colleague said to me, "some people are just dickheads". With this in mind, it's not hard to fathom why extroverts get all the attention. Not only are they vocal, they are also disarming when conveying their multitude of thoughts and opinions. In the face of such traits, introverts are at a distinct disadvantage in the office space.
Final fact. If you smile, you naturally elevate you own mood. From Mother Teresa to Maya Angelou, famous people have all consistently mentioned the power of the smile to improve one's mood.
So over the last four weeks, I decided to put the above facts to a test to see what would happen. In meetings, workshops, and even on the phone, I'd just randomly smile at the person I'm talking do. I smile normally when something funny is being discussed but I made a conscious effort to put a smile on my face, even when nobody is making a joke. I was in a meeting, discussing procedures for risk acceptance. The topic was beyond boring and heavily bureaucratic. As the lady was talking to me, my main focus would've normally been on pretending to pay attention. But as an experiment, I locked eyes with her while she was talking, nodded as per usual, but every 30 seconds or so, would put a smile on. Not a massive smile, showing teeth. That would've been over the top but just a slight curve of the lips. The first time I did it, a look of puzzlement came over her face. It was very brief but obvious. Probably because she was wondering what I was smiling about. The second time I did it, I noticed her mirroring my smile while she was talking. Then the third time, I noticed her being conscious of her mirroring my smile and trying to control it. After that, I think she gave up trying to control it. Each time I smiled, I'd notice a corresponding smile on her part. The smiling back and forth didn't make the discussion topic any easier. But, it did make the engagement more friendly. I've never been overly fond of this lady (and I'm sure the feeling is mutual) but by the end of the meeting, we were talking about more personal matters such as holiday plans. I think I even smiled enough to care about the particular predicament she was in with her role.
During the fortnight, I also made a deliberate effort to randomly smile during conversations with people more senior than me. The same pattern repeated itself and the same effect was occurring on the conversation. But more importantly, I noticed that one of them was doing it to me and the effect it was having. She would smile each time I made eye contact with her from typing notes. She would smile when she changed topics. She would laugh at herself (e.g. when she forgot the existence of an entire team in her portfolio). It wasn't a chuckle. It was a genuine laugh that came from the inside. This lady who heads up a department of over 400 people (and no doubt is paid proportionately to her responsibilities) made a formal meeting feel like a friendly discussion. She could've been talking down to me, like most people at her level. But by smiling often, she made me feel like she was genuine. What did it do to the meeting? By removing the constriction that comes with hierarchy, the meeting flowed smoothly and I was able to ask the right questions rather than numbingly stick to script.
Finally, over the four weeks, I made a conscious effort to make eye contact with strangers, and smile. I mean genuine strangers. Not strangers who I buy coffee from every morning and interact regularly, but people who I've never seen before and would likely never see again. Following on from my previous blog, I've always had trouble approaching girls. So you can imagine what it was like for me to make eye contact with a stranger and smile. But I made myself do it. Sure, in some cases, the moment I made eye contact with a stranger, they'd glance away. No doubt they were introverts like me. In other cases, the strangers would keep eye contact and give me a puzzled look. But in the majority of the time, when I made eye contact with a stranger, held it, and smiled...... they'd return the smile. And I'm willing to bet, they kept that smile even after we passed each other. Because I do that on the rare occasion that a stranger smiles at me. It makes me feel good when a stranger smiles at me, even for a split second. Wouldn't you feel good knowing that each time you smiled at a stranger, you're giving that someone a split second of positive vibes. Only a few days ago, I was waiting to cross the road. As the light turned amber, cars were pulling up at the lights. I made eye contact with a lady in the passenger seat of the car closest to me. She looked like she was in a really foul mood. It was an old vehicle so I can only imagine the vehicle has no air con as all the windows were down on a very warm day. Perhaps the heat caused her foul mood. So with a little bit of mental courage, I held her eye contact, and smiled. In my mind, I had a 90% chance that she was going to narrow her eyes at me and project death rays. But behold, her foul mood disappeared, and she shot back a tiny smile. Even at a distance of 5 meters, I could tell she was smiling. Imagine how I felt that afternoon? I had the power to turn someone who was in a foul mood to smile back at a complete stranger. I might not have removed her foul mood completely, but I bet for a split second, the world seemed just a little bit more positive for her.
So the action here is simple. Make a conscious effort to make eye contact, hold it for a few seconds longer than usual (don't stare but don't glance away like most introverts do), and smile. Do it during meetings, workshops, and even on the phone. Then, on the street, just smile at strangers. You'll make yourself feel better and even have the chance of making someone's day. Over time, smiling will become natural and second nature. Then you would've equalized another advantage that extroverts have over you. Learning to smile is free and it comes with zero risk. So do it now. Smile.
Blog Photo by Lesly Juarez on Unsplash.