How to get over it and move on
/“Cry me a river, build a bridge, and get over it.”
Over the course of our podcast interviews, my fellow podcaster and I have uncovered that there are some unassuming qualities and perks to being an introvert. This has certainly been a refreshing discovery. One of the key stand out points for me has been that our natural tendency to stop and reflect on a response rather than talking for talking's sake is in fact a strength and differentiator. Introverts are often very thoughtful by nature.
Over the weekend while reversing out of a shopping centre car park, I was the recipient of a fellow car parker's rage. No doubt under pressure to get a million and one things done before Christmas, this person thought it necessary to get out of their car and proceed to walk up to my car window and go off at me. Clearly being delayed by my reversing was all it took to be the straw that broke the camel's back. I was a little shocked by it all and felt a bit unsettled to have someone at my car window going off as I was driving. It was an unpleasant experience for me but I did feel sorry for her. She clearly was having a shocking day to behave in such a raging manner. I on the other hand foolishly mulled over this incident for a few hours while going about my weekend. I was grateful for the fact that as an introvert, I’m typically thoughtful and would be highly unlikely to go off at someone like this. I did however get annoyed at myself for letting this person rattle me. Being the end of the year, I guess I was a little worn out and not as resilient as I typically would be over something so trivial.
Ironically this week, I attended a session on resilience training at work. The presenter talked about the importance of self-care and the need to look after yourself in order to be resilient. On the topic of resilience, the psychologist Dr Adam Fraser’s work on the “third space” concept was discussed. The third space came about after Dr Fraser studied the work of elite athletes and CEOs and how they were able to bounce back after a terrible point in the sporting arena or a poor meeting outcome respectively. They all referred to this concept of the “third space”. In essence, the third space is the space of time between when the incident occurs and when you transition to the next activity.
The third space focusses on what you can do to deal with the incident in order to move on and be in the best frame of mind to focus on the next activity. During this space of transitioning from a bad experience or a rejection and onto another activity there are three steps to take; reflect, rest, and reset. Reflect on the incident, take time to rest, and then reset and focus on the next activity. This approach is used to help people transition from having a bad day at work and not taking the bad day home. Some techniques to achieve this include walking home and reflecting on the day up until a certain street or landmark and then stopping the reflection to focus on the evening ahead. Simple rituals at the end of your work day such as reflecting on the day for a set period of time (yes you must be disciplined not to over think it) on the commute home and then resting, followed by a reset period where you focus on the night ahead before reaching home. For the articulate and explanation and more tips on the application of the “third space” I highly recommend watching the videos below.
Explanation of the third space: https://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=adam+fraser+youtube+third+space&view=detail&mid=8373B8C3F94CADD0884E8373B8C3F94CADD0884E&FORM=VIRE
Three simple steps to not take a bad day home: https://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=adam+fraser+youtube+third+space+ted+talk&&view=detail&mid=A5B6019D17022409356FA5B6019D17022409356F&FORM=VRDGAR
You may find some useful tips on Dr Adam’s site
In hindsight I wish I had known about this tool a week earlier. It would have allowed me to get over the car park incident and not have mulled over it for a few hours and ruin half a day. If I think of all the time I have spent over thinking things, or having a bad day and then bringing it home, it certainly is a waste. Thankfully I now have a simple approach to get over it and move on. It is pretty empowering to now be able to know I can deal with a bad day or scenario and move on quickly in order to focus properly on the task at hand and give it or the people involved the attention respectfully deserved.