Why you don't have what you want
/“I failed in some subjects in exams, but my friend passed all of them. Now, he is an engineer at Microsoft and I am the owner of Microsoft.”
I am afraid to fail. That is why I work so hard yet I'm happy to hide behind my leader. When the opportunity comes up for me to take the limelight, I gulp hard and then look for reasons to shirk the responsibility. Then, when I get genuine compliments on a great idea, I come up with hundreds of disclaimers to try and lower expectations.
Why do I do all of these things? I do them because I am afraid of failure. I am afraid of what people will say behind my back. I am afraid of having to admit that my idea sucked. Following on from my previous blog post about growing up, I can add another reason to why I've relied so heavily on having great leaders to guide me through my career. On top of being inherently lazy, by not taking the initiative to chart my own course, I can't be blamed for failing if it doesn't work.
As I reflect over the last 12 months (I tend to do a lot of reflecting as we approach the end of the year) I realized that a massive weakness I have is that I am afraid of failure. Because of this fear, I take no action. Indulge me for a second as I humorously examine my dating life before I got married. In my entire life, I have had a total of 3 serious relationships, excluding the 20 minute girlfriend I had in year 8 after a school dance. A girlfriend in high school called Zoe (she always promised to come over after school but never did), one during university who's name I won't mention (it didn't end very well - apparently magic was involved), and my wife. Unlike most of my friends, I have always been afraid to approach girls/women. Most of my friends had many more romantic relationships before they got married, not to mention to short term romantic interactions they've had in between. I don't approach girls because I am afraid of rejection. I am afraid of going up to a girl, even one who I know well, and ask her out. Why? Because that would be counted as a failure. If I don't approach, there would be no chance of recording a failure against me. But here is the shitty part. Because I have not had the opportunities to be rejected, I've never ever learnt how to approach a girl. I am now older and wiser. I've built a house, I've been in fights against three others, I've can take being yelled out by CEOs, but I still can't approach a girl. When I see a pretty girl, I literally freeze and it feels like I just stare at her for a long time (I don't, it just feels like it). If the girl knew what I was doing, she'd think "shit, this guy hasn't had his medication today".
So how did I manage to get married? I went to an all boy school (that could be a factor), and my wife went to an all girl school. How could I marry her if I didn't know her? Ideally, I'd like to tell you that I took a risk and approached her, and have the secret formula to share with you. The reality is, she approached me! In fact, all the way back to primary school, it was Zoe who approached me and spoke to me first. If none of these girls have approached me, I would not be married right now. Instead, I'd likely be someone who would prefer the pain of loneliness than the fear of rejection!!!!!
Think about it for a second. How odd is this. As introverts, we prefer the pain of loneliness of not trying to push for what we want instead of suffering the temporary pain associated with failure. Now examine your career. How many actions or opportunities did you not take because you are afraid of the possibility of failure. How many times have you had a great point but chose not to say it because you think it's a dumb point. How many times have you deliberately sought to have ownership of your own projects handed over to someone else because you're afraid you might make a mistake. Not even fail, just make a mistake. Finally, be honest with yourself. How many times have you sabotaged yourself so that your initiative won't take off after you've received rapturous compliments. I am going to be honest, I do all of these things often because I'm afraid of failure.
This week, I met with my C-Suite Executive to discuss an initiative I have been running with since September. The team rallied to deliver on a working model of the initiative. My previous boss (who I suspected knew my fear of failure) took every opportunity to keep reminding me of how great the initiative was. Yet in the weeks leading up to this week's meeting, in my head, I came up with every reason I could to back down from it. In my heart, I could feel the weight lifted off my chest if my C-Suite Executive would say what a terrible idea it was. I even tried to sabotage myself. I spent next to no time preparing for the meeting, to argue why this initiative was important. The only reason I didn't sabotage myself was that I had back to back meetings before then and I didn't have the mental capacity to think through the meeting. I also arrived late, by which time my boss (who was also invited) had already kicked off the discussion with the C-Suite Executive. By the time I entered, she had already said it was a great idea and that it should go ahead.
I'm serious. This actually happened this week. This great initiative I had come up with and my team had spent months on. I was ready to sabotage myself and throw it all away because I'm afraid that I might not be able to deliver.
I believe that as introverts, one of our greatest weaknesses is that we prefer the long term pain of the status quo to the "possible" short term pain failure with a chance of success. It just makes no sense. Yet time and again, we let the fear of failure override doing what we know is the right thing to do.
Nobody ever got what they want by doing what was guaranteed to be successful. I don't mean the famous entrepreneurs everyone knows of. It's obvious that they all took massive risks to become successful. I don't mean for you to risk your home, your career, or your relationship to chase your dreams. But the next time you feel that internal conflict or that inner voice telling you not to do something. Just pause for a moment and think whether you're really willing to trade in opportunity to get what you want (that comes with temporary pain if you fail) for the long term pain of the status quo and looking longingly at the other people who have what you want. For crying out loud, stand behind your own ideas. Stand behind what you want. Because nobody else will.
Blog photo by Matthew Henry on Unsplash.