Stepping up your introvert communication skills
/“Most people do not listen with the intent to understand. Most people listen with the intent to reply.”
I love the above quote. I think even introverts suffer from not listening with the intent to understand but with the intent to reply. How many times do you catch yourself daily where you've missed what your conversation partner just said because you're too busy thinking about what you want to say next, whether it be in response to a question or just a point you want to make.
But a recent incident has me positing that as introverts, we don't just suffer from listening with intent to understand, we also suffer from stating our intent.
Before you think I've gone off my rocker, let me use a recent incident to illustrate. Fresh off my 30 day challenge of talking to three strangers a day, I've decided to embrace my curiosity to try and bring some color and knowledge into my life. I want to use my newly obtained courage to speak my mind to try and answer all the questions I've always asked in my head but was never brave enough to ask out loud. So on this day, I was walking past a new store in my local shopping center. For sale were massive tubs of dried pasta, chocolates, dried fruits, tea, and Kombucha (which seems to be the health drink of choice these days). The shop has been open for a few months and I've walked past it many times, wondering what the fuss was about given there's always a lot of people in there.
So, leveraging the elevated threshold from my 30 day challenge, I walked into the store and started looking around. After a few minutes, I was no closer to figuring out what the store was about. Before long, a shop assistant spotted me (must be my confused look) and asked whether she could help me. So what did I say? Out came "Do you have any recommendations?" Before I knew it, she was rambling on about the health benefits of Kombucha, organic pasta, Goji berries (whatever the heck that is), and Inca berries.
BUT, that wasn't what I actually wanted to know. I actually wanted to know why the shop was so busy? I wanted to know what makes this shop different to all the other "hipster" shops that sell similar items? Sensing that her rambling was not hitting the mark, the shop assistant looked me dead in the eye and said "So what did you actually wanted to know?" With that, I finally asked her what I wanted to know. She smiled and stated why her shop was different. What really struck me was that she finished with this line, which still rings clearly in my mind "Why didn't you just ask me that to begin with?".
And there it is. Why did I not just ask what was on my mind to begin with? But this is just one incident. Not just in my 30 day challenge, but how many times in my life would I have avoided pain, wasted time, or rework, had I just been more up front with my intent. As introverts, we struggle to state our intent because we have this unexplained belief that we shouldn't be up front with what we want. But we know this belief is untrue. For those of us who work in the corporate world, we know that the single biggest factor between a meeting that's a waste of time and a productive meeting, is the organizer or chair stating the intent of the meeting (and hopefully desired outcomes) up front. How many times have you been to bad meetings where you sit there and 10 minutes in you wonder why you're there. Think about it across all aspects of your life. How much smoother various aspects of your life would you if you're clear on stating your intent.
When I look back over my 30 day challenge, the best interactions with complete strangers were almost always because my intent was clear. I'd walk up and say "Hi. I'm doing a 30 day challenge to help break my social limitations. Can you chat with you for a few minutes?" Nobody ever said no to that. And even if they did, so what? At least I didn't waste a few minutes talking with someone who didn't want to me there.
So here is the action I want you all to take. The next interaction you have with someone, whether it be a a complete stranger, a relative, a colleague, or your partner; think about your intent for the interaction and state it up front. I think you'll find that the interaction will go much smoother.
Blog photo by London Scout on Unsplash.