One simple everyday action can reduce your fear
/“Fear is excitement without breath.”
This is going to be a short and tactical blog but one that I wanted to share with you because I've tested it, and it works (at least for me). It's can't hurt for you to take this one little action to get over a key weakness that all introverts have and most find it difficult to get over.
Talking to strangers or talking when there are strangers around is something that I'm not comfortable doing. Little actions like asking for directions, asking for the time, or just asking for help, I try to put off as long as possible. Finding the solution to a problem can take hours or days as I try every alternative instead of just calling the person and asking. Even if I'm really familiar with the person who has the answer, I can still feel a certain level of fear when picking up the phone.
I can comfortably run meetings with people I know but the moment a single stranger is in a meeting, my brain puts up this extra layer of resistance and the flow with which I normally conduct meetings is disrupted.
If I'm lost while travelling, I'll spend 10 or 20 minutes looking at my phone, look around at my surroundings, trying desperately to establish where I am (which is just one half of the picture), instead of just asking a stranger where the heck I am and how do I get to where I want to go.
It's not a new year's resolution but on the 3rd of January, I committed myself to a 30 day challenge. Everyday, for the next 30 days, I am going to talk to at least 3 strangers. The conversation doesn't have to be long, it could just be a short exchange or a comment (real or fake). And they don't have to be complete strangers, they can be people you interact with everyday but never more than "Hello. How are you?"
The first two days of the challenge were complete write-offs. I'd walk up and down the mall for up to 30 mins and just draw complete blanks. I'd see a stranger and either just walk right past them or think of something to say after I've already passed them. I was absolutely petrified. No matter what I said to myself or how pumped up I felt, the moment I saw a stranger I'd talk to (guy or girl) I would feel this intense fear. What if the girl thinks I'm trying to pick her up? What if the guy doesn't speak English. The most ridiculous one was, what would all the other people in the mall think?
After two days, my 30 day challenge felt like a complete flop. I had spoken to no strangers and felt extremely disappointed with myself. I almost just gave up on the challenge. Then I thought, what if I just start out small. Speak to someone who works in the same office, ask them simple questions. Surely, since we work in the same company, we'd have something in common. But each time I saw someone in the lift and thought to rise to the challenge, I'd freeze up and the same fear would prevent me from opening my mouth. I'd do the safe thing, which was to take my phone out of my pocket and then start reading emails. Yup, a safe distraction from rising up to a simple challenge.
Then I began reading the book "The Big Leap" by Jay Hendricks. Then a simple quote in Chapter 2 hit me like a tonne of bricks "Fear is excitement without breath". It replayed in my head again, and again in slow motion.
Fear. Is. Excitement. Without. Breath.
As I read through this quote over and over again, I realized that each time I wanted to approach a stranger and the fear set in, I was actually not breathing. Then the more I thought about it, the more scenarios I could recall where that was the case. From meetings with very senior people to presentations to large crowds. Each time I was nervous and tongue tied with fear, I was actually not breathing. Then as I'm talking, I'd run out of breath, making my voice quiver. This then produces the vicious cycle. The more my voice quivered, the more I'd try to control it. The more control I apply, the more I run out of breath. It doesn't take long before my mental capacity is focussed on controlling my voice, instead of the topic at hand. Without enough oxygen and with what limited brain power I have focussed on controlling my voice, no wonder I can't respond to the discussion at hand. Hence feedback I've gotten in the past about me appearing to be fixed to a script or lacking emotions. My brain was focussed on controlling my voice.
So, on Day 3, I made a mental note. Each time I struggled to approach a stranger, I'd remember to breathe. I'm not sure if it has to be deep breaths or short sharp breaths. All I did was use the feeling of fear to trigger breathing. Normal, conscious, breathing. So in my first meeting with the Group Chief Risk Officer, on the third day back to work in 2018, I forced myself to breathe. Steady, conscious breathing. At first, I couldn't feel any difference. The fear was still there. This was even before it was my turn to speak in front of the company's five CROs. But after about a minute of steady breathing, the sense of dread started to subside... And soon it was my time to speak. In fact, the Group CRO skipped a few people and jumped to me just as a "surprise". But I spoke. Was I nervous? Yes, of course. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't. Did I still feel fear? Yes, of course. But it wasn't the constricting kind of fear. I spoke clearly and slowly. The topics flowed from one to the other, not this mechanical robotic rehearsal of a script. My voice didn't quiver, and I didn't find myself out of breath. Then in the Q&A agenda item, I found my brain engaging with the topics being discussed, asking questions, and raising my thoughts, even when the topic had moved on, I brought it back to the previous topic when I thought of a point. I actually felt like I was part of the group.
On the same day, I was buying coffee in the lobby. The barista is this Korean girl with the most genuine, heart warming smile. She gives this smile to every customer. I've always wanted to commend her on her smile but have always chickened out. So I decided, today, I was going to do it. As I waited for her to finish making my coffee, I could feel the fear and the nerves starting up. The wait felt like an eternity and that entire time, the fear and nerves just got worse and worse. So I started to focus on breathing. Again, conscious, steady, breathing. Before I could recognise whether the breathing is making a difference, she called my name, and put my coffee on the counter. Muscle memory took over as I stepped forward to take my coffee. She flashed that massive, heart warming smile. As I grabbed my coffee, part of me wanted to just turn and walk away as I normally do. The other part wanted to stay. For once, the latter took over. I grabbed my coffee and stopped. She looked at me, wondering what I needed. Then I said "Excuse miss. This may seem awkward. But can I just say, you have the best smile." And with that single line, she gave me the typical girl response of "Awwwww" and flashed that heart warming smile once again. With that, I turned and walked away. As I went up in the lifts back to my office, I looked at my hands and I can feel them shaking from the nerves. The shaking only stopped when I got back to my desk. Forget vocal projection, forget the speed at which I spoke. I had done it. I spoke to a stranger. Three days into my 30 day challenge, I spoke to a stranger.
10 days into the challenge, I'd love to say that I'm conversing with strangers like a pro. The fact is, I still suck at it. I still have that sense of dread each time I set my sights on speaking with a stranger. But each time, I focus on my breathing, and I can feel the sense of dread subside. I still chicken out and forget to focus on my breathing. And maybe only 10% of the time, I hit my target of speaking with 3 strangers a day. But even on my worst performing day of speaking to just one stranger, that's one more person than I'd normally speak.
So 10 days into the challenge, besides discovering that a focus on steady, conscious breathing really does help to reduce the sense of dread and offset that horrible voice quiver, I also discovered several things, which made life seem more positive. 10 days, in I have not had one person tell me to get lost or respond rudely. 10 days in, I've discovered the following things, which made my life just that little bit richer:
- The name of my favourite barista is Jen. And because of my comment, she gives me free home made gingerbread cookies, she normally sells for $1.
- The girl I bought my Nespresso capsules from is called Anna, and her accent is because she is from Poland. And because I enquired as to where her accent was from, I received a free sleeve of Nespresso capsules.
- I discovered there is a secret gym on level 1 of my office building, which I can join for a heavily discounted rate. After working there for nine years, I only found out because I asked this guy getting off on level 1, what's actually there.
- There is an entire line of Sketchers shoes not available in Australia, but you can buy online if you go to a specific Sketchers URL. I only knew this because I said to this girl on the street her shoes were very cool. It wasn't a pick-up line. The colors were genuinely cool.
I'll report back in when I complete my 30 day challenge. Might need to make up a few days since I don't always hit my target of speaking to 3 strangers a day. But just 10 days in, I've discovered so much. But most importantly, next time you are preparing for a meeting, or can feel the nerves rising. Just remember to breathe. Force your brain to feel, concentrate, on steady, conscious breathing. The fear will always be there (fear never goes away) but the sense of dread will subside, your voice will quiver less, and you'll have mental capacity left over to talk intelligently.
Blog photo by Ariel Lustre on Unsplash.