Steps you can take to stop being a people pleaser

Being a people pleasing introvert is painful. You feel like nobody appreciates what you do, and each time you say "yes" when you really wanted to say "no", you feel angry, disappointed, and disgusted with yourself. You question why you don't have the courage to say no, you question your value in life and in your circle of friends. Ultimately, the emotions of anger and disappointment stay with you long after the event. Then you tell yourself you're going to have the guts to say no next time only to watch yourself fall into the same trap and say yes when you really wanted to scream out "NO!!!!!!".

Sure, there are books out there that teach you how to stop being a people pleaser. But they're always more than 200 pages long, contain a long list of exercises, and activities you have to do to permanently "cure" yourself of this affliction. Yet when the situation arises again where you want to say no but feel like you have to say yes, your brain is so filled with theory and trying to remember what tactics to apply to the situation, you ultimately end up panicking. This results in one of two things. You either revert to your old self and say yes again (leading you to throw out the book and go purchase another one) or you pick up the courage to say no but in such a way you end up destroying your relationship (professional or otherwise). 

We need direct actions we can take right there on the spot. Not a long list of exercises and theory but simple steps that we can remember and perform when the situation arises. And so, I wanted to share with you the following article I came across, which provided five simple steps you can take whenever the situation arises where you want to say no but feel compelled to say yes. It aligns with every key theme we have covered in MyCorporateDiary so far and it is well worth a read. The article is by Susie Moore from BrisbaneTimes. You can read the full article by clicking the link but the five key steps you can take immediately are:

• Step 1 - Stall: Don't reply to a request straight away. Per what we've covered in previous blogs, replying straight away means that you are perceived as always available and therefore lowering the value people place on you. It also means you haven't had the time to think through the request, therefore you are more likely to react emotionally rather than rationally. The article also raises a good point that your actions train other people what to expect of us. So if you've established the expectation that you'll respond straight away and always say yes, then to change it, start by not replying immediately. Give it some time  (a few hours maybe), let the emotion subside, and then come up with a rational reply.

• Step 2 - Given an alternative: This makes perfect sense. If you don't want to be perceived as a jerk and still want to appear helpful, then offer the requestor an alternative. The key here is to offer a viable alternative not an excuse. People can see through excuses (the dog ate my homework) but alternatives are genuinely helpful (I can't do it this weekend but I am free on the weekend after OR have you checked with Bob?).

• Step 3 - Accept you have a choice: You can actually say no. You are not obligated to say yes no matter the circumstances. Importantly, a request for you to do something is not a binary construct. Think of yes and no as two extreme ends of the range of answers you can provide. This is where stalling your response helps you to think rationally through the range of answers available to you.

• Step 4 - It gets easier: Practice, practice, and more practice. Malcolm Gladwell says that you need to practice 10,000 hours at something before being proficient at it. You probably don't need to say no 10,000 times before you get comfortable with it but the more you do it the easier it gets. Maybe practice it on the charity collectors who stop you on the street and ask you to handover credit card details. Importantly, as we've discussed, the more you say no, the less available you become, and the more likely you are to increase in value.

• Step 5 - You can't please everyone: Some people will feel offended when you say no. But in all honesty, if you've said yes to them many times and the one time you said no, they feel offended then maybe they're not the kind of people you want to keep around. It's OK if some people are offended because as one colleague puts it "...some people are just jerks". This we will discuss in more detail for a future blog from a new contributor.

So there you have it. Five very simple steps you can take whenever the situation arises where the people pleaser in you is wanting you to agree to something you genuinely don't want to do. You don't need a book with over 200 pages, you don't need to work on mathematical formulas to decided how to say no, and you don't need mental exercises. Just delay your response, think of an alternative solution, and realise that some people are just jerks. 

Blog Photo by Dmitry Ratushny on Unsplash